Hilarious jokes-Toss a coin

Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry.

Peter arrived late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"

Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin."

"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.

Peter answered,"I had to toss it 40 times."

Funny jokes-The replacement

Harry who played trombone in the opera was in a fix. He had committed himself to another act at his sister's party on the same day he had to play in the opera. He tried hard but could not find a replacement. Finally he approached his household help and convinced him to do the replacement. "You can take my other trombone. Just watch what the guy next to you is doing and it would be all right".

Next morning he asked the household help how it went.

"It was a Catastrophe. Your colleague also sent his household help to replace him".

Kids jokes-Natural history lesson

The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.

She began by saying, "Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?"

A kid raised his hand and replied: "They don't have a union."

Short funny jokes-Crate of ducks

Bill: What is a crate of ducks known as?

Jill : It would be a box of quackers!

Really funny jokes-Divorce is easy

Sam : You know what, it's really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say "I divorce you" to his wife 3 times and it's done!

Jack : It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.

Pun-Catch up

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Bank robbery-Funny joke

There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.

When the Sergent reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points??"

"I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."

Indian Premier League

A man enters a pub with his dog. The Indian Premier League Cricket match is on between the Mumbai Indians & the Delhi Daredevils. He settles himself & asks the bartender how the star performer Sachin Tendulkar is doing. The bartender says Sachin hit a half century. The dog jumps up, and runs around the bar-stool 50 times.

After another half an hour, the bartender reports that Sachin hit a century. The dog reacts by jumping up again and running around the bar-stool a hundred times.

The bartender is amazed & says, "That dog of yours is something! What does he do if Sachin Tendulkar's team wins?

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 3 years!"

Smartness

Smartness is like your knickers. It is important to have it, but not essential to show it off!

Green vegetables

Sandy said to his friend Ron, 'My wife sent me to the greengrocer's to buy some green vegetables."

'So were you able to find some?" asked Ron.

'Well, when I reached the shop, I asked the manager, 'My wife wants some green vegetables. Have they been sprayed with any harmful chemicals?''

Sandy continued, 'The shopkeeper told me, 'No, why don't you do it yourself.'

Really funny jokes-Hunting Statisticians

There were three statisticians who went out for hunting together. They saw a deer and immediately the first statistician fired, but missed, by an inch to the left. The second statistician fired, and he too missed, by an inch to the right. The third statistician did not fire, but declared enthusiastically, "On an average, we made it!"

Statistics joke-One in a million

My statistical view of the Chinese is that even if you are someone who is a one in a billion, there will still be a million more just like you.

Puns-Not of concern

Are things that do not concern an elephant irrelephant?

Hilarious jokes-Things not to say to a cop

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.