Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Really funny jokes-Math Proficiency exam

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME _________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________


1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Animal jokes-Nuts

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Funny jokes-LSD and Birth control

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?

A: A trip without the kids.

Blonde jokes-Limo

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

Not everybody has been in a limo.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Really funny jokes-All my intellegence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

One line jokes-Learning to speak Spanish

I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Really funny jokes-Traffic summons

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Animal jokes-Pit bull

A dog owner had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.....the owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Good jokes-Terms to know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Funny jokes-Two muffins

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy cow it's hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "Holy cow... A talking muffin!"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Insurance jokes-Financial Hardship

One day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband's life insurance policy.

'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Really funny jokes-Boyfriends named Leroy

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

One line jokes-Egotists

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.