Hilarious jokes-Woof

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Funny jokes-Politician

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."

Really funny jokes-Webbed feet

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Finance jokes-Three types of Investors

There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%

One line jokes-Bicycle

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

Funny jokes-Back to Earth

Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".

SMS jokes-Good thing about snow

There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbour's.

Really funny jokes-More Laws of Golf

LAW 1: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 2: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 3: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 4: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 5: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 6: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 7: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 8: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 9: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 10: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

Yo Mama jokes-M&M

Yo momma is so stupid. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

Insurance jokes-Actuary and the Farmer

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."

The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

Funny jokes-The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Hilarious jokes-What not to put on a resume

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

-- "I am a rabid typist."

-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."

-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Really funny jokes-Statistician's theory

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds. One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"

"No, I flew"

"What about your theory on the possibility of a bomb?"

"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"

One line jokes-Middle age

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.