Clean jokes-Boat painter

A boat painter was awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the owner, a little concerned about the delay, confronted the painter.
"Hey Carl", said the owner, "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my boat and it's been three weeks....What' s up with that?"
The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the owner square in the eye and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".

Kids jokes-Preacher

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a young boy asked his mother what the preacher did the rest of the week.
"Oh he's a very busy man," the mother replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor.... and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't too easy, either."

Short funny jokes-Nature

Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.
Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.

Really funny jokes-Read All About It

Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages.
Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant.
When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her.
Near the bottom of one page she found:
"Bonnie -- What are you looking here for?
Aren't dinner and flowers enough?
Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell.

Clean jokes-Laugh Lines

"Wow, you're sure getting a lot of 'Laugh Lines', aren't you?" a woman asked her co-worker.
"'Laugh Lines'? What are 'Laugh Lines'?"
"You know, those lovely lines in your face that develop if you smile or laugh a lot."
"Oh, that makes sense, then. When you've dated as many clowns as I have, 'Laugh Lines' must be inevitable."

Hindi jokes-Shaadi

Shaadi se pehle shadi ke baad
Shaadi ke pehle ladki: Darling tum nahi toh main nahi… Aur main nahi toh tum nahi!
Shaadi ke baad ladki: Aaj ya toh tu nahi ya main nahi!!

Shaadi aur mobile
Shaadi aur mobile me kya similarity hai?
Sirf dimag me ek hi sooch aati hai ki,
Thode din aur ruk jata to naya model mil jata.

Short funny jokes-Heaven

Sardar's wife: You know, husband & wife aren't allowed to be together in heaven!
Sardar: Yes, I do.That's why it's called heaven!

Really funny jokes-10 Reasons Why God Created Eve!

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see what else is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

1. When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I know I can do better than THIS!!"

Blonde jokes-Alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Short funny jokes-Burst of thnder

When the grave site service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man said to the Pastor, "Well, she's there."

Short funny jokes-Step ladder

Sign in an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Sardar Jokes-Bar in New York

Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”.
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”.
Sardar says - “Baljith Singh Married”

Sarcastic jokes-Checking antecedents

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men.
After a few days, the politician at last received his detective`s report, which went like this:
"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she`s been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Really funny jokes-Speeding

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."