A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Humor jokes-The blessing
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"
Monday, March 23, 2009
Really funny jokes-Car Privileges
We had just given our teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning I went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am our daughter sleepily walked into the kitchen, and I asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, I said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
The next morning I went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am our daughter sleepily walked into the kitchen, and I asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, I said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Clean jokes-Spelling errors
Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Really funny jokes-The gift
Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and indeed found something that Ray believes can go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds ... .. a new bathroom scale for her.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and indeed found something that Ray believes can go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds ... .. a new bathroom scale for her.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Doctor jokes-Constipation
An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sardar jokes-35 runs
In one local cricket match, a Sardar raised his bat on making 35 runs.
His partner asked "Sardar, there is no century or half century or winning moment. Why did you raise your bat?"
The Sardar replies,
"You don't know the value of 35 scores (passing marks). I know it from my school time."
His partner asked "Sardar, there is no century or half century or winning moment. Why did you raise your bat?"
The Sardar replies,
"You don't know the value of 35 scores (passing marks). I know it from my school time."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Really funny jokes-Letter from Son
Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
Monday, March 16, 2009
Humor jokes-Club
Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us."
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Really funny jokes-Polish women are tough
An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off, Stasiu" she said. "Dose are for da funeral. "
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off, Stasiu" she said. "Dose are for da funeral. "
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Humor in uniform-Tactful
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
Friday, March 13, 2009
Really funny jokes-Geriatric wedding
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications? "
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely. "
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation- H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications? "
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely. "
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation- H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."
Clean jokes-Waterloo
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Doctor jokes-HMO
Todd was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Really funny jokes-How do you like your eggs?
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
Office jokes-Secretary
The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
Monday, March 9, 2009
Really funny jokes-Bomb
Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
--------------------------------------------------------------
My wife laughed at me when I told her I would fix the PC.
Kids jokes-Dinner
A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Really funny jokes-Single
When we were on our way to the ski slopes, my friend's children decided to 'find me a man' by the end of the day. The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone -- and therefore, in their minds, single.
To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift.
As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age asked, "Excuse me, but are you single?"
Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."
He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."
To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift.
As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age asked, "Excuse me, but are you single?"
Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."
He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Doctor jokes-Expensive treatment
A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?"
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Clean jokes-The suspect
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.
After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.
After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Office jokes-Terrorist Alert
Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Kids jokes-Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Monday, March 2, 2009
Humor jokes-Speeding Charges
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"
Sunday, March 1, 2009
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Really funny jokes-Honorary Degree
A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition; I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation. "
"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation. "
"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Really funny jokes-Cat in the backyard
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Humor jokes-Made it!
Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work.
Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.
"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.
"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."
Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.
"Made it!" he cried triumphantly.
"So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Animal jokes-Dog
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car ?" they asked.
He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.
Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.
"You mean the one following your car ?" they asked.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Clean jokes-In shock
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd ever see you."
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd ever see you."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Humor jokes-Collateral
Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed theb banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed theb banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
Monday, February 23, 2009
Kids jokes-Virtue
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Boy: Brotherly love.
Boy: Brotherly love.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Funny jokes-Road signs
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Really funny jokes-Barbie
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."
Clean jokes-Speech
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sardar jokes-Clock has arrived
Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day.
As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father -in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write "The clock has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl.
Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.
If he writes "the clock has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son.
If he writes "clock has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened.
But being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram.
Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads
"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".
As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father -in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write "The clock has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl.
Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.
If he writes "the clock has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son.
If he writes "clock has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened.
But being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram.
Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads
"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Really funny jokes-Marx in Heaven
So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by Saint Peter.
"Name?" asks Peter.
"Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author.
"Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?"
"I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "Founder of socialism and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism."
"I see," Peter said. "I'll have to check with God."
So Peter rushes off to confer with God. God hears the name Marx and immediately a look of disgust infects His face. "Marx?" God says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker. Send him down to hell."
So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx to Satan's fiery hell.
Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell. The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would revitalize both struggling economies. But soon after the treaty,God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products from Hell. So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate.
"Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up? We have an agreement!"
Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated. "It's that Marx fellow," Satan replied. "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and labor demands. Productivity has dropped to zero!"
"So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?"
"Take him back. Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity will sky rocket!"
So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven.
Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders for product from Heaven. In fact, very little communication at all has leaked from Up Above. So, concerned for the economic welfare of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven.
"Peter! Peter, are you there?" Satan demands.
"Yes, what is it?" Peter answers.
"What's the hold up? What about the flow of trade?"
"Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist isolationist stance. We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is now based on the needs of the proletariat. It is our opinion that this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois."
"What?!" Satan was furious. "I demand to speak to God!"
Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion. "Who?"
"Name?" asks Peter.
"Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author.
"Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?"
"I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "Founder of socialism and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism."
"I see," Peter said. "I'll have to check with God."
So Peter rushes off to confer with God. God hears the name Marx and immediately a look of disgust infects His face. "Marx?" God says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker. Send him down to hell."
So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx to Satan's fiery hell.
Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell. The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would revitalize both struggling economies. But soon after the treaty,God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products from Hell. So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate.
"Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up? We have an agreement!"
Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated. "It's that Marx fellow," Satan replied. "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and labor demands. Productivity has dropped to zero!"
"So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?"
"Take him back. Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity will sky rocket!"
So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven.
Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders for product from Heaven. In fact, very little communication at all has leaked from Up Above. So, concerned for the economic welfare of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven.
"Peter! Peter, are you there?" Satan demands.
"Yes, what is it?" Peter answers.
"What's the hold up? What about the flow of trade?"
"Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist isolationist stance. We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is now based on the needs of the proletariat. It is our opinion that this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois."
"What?!" Satan was furious. "I demand to speak to God!"
Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion. "Who?"
Kids jokes-20000 Leaks
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
Monday, February 16, 2009
Humor jokes-Age
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Really funny jokes-What causes Arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with loose women and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with loose women and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Teacher jokes-Believe
A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Really funny jokes-Barbie
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.
The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings."
Clean jokes-Sleeping Pills
Howard dragged himself into his doctor's office looking very exhausted.
"Doctor Kaine," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"
"I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
Dr. Kaine gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kaine's office looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" Howard exclaimed.
"I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard to make them swallow the pills."
"Doctor Kaine," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"
"I have good news for you, Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
Dr. Kaine gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.
Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kaine's office looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" Howard exclaimed.
"I don't understand how that could be," said Dr. Kaine, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard to make them swallow the pills."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Really funny jokes-Three Tasks
A man walks into a hotel bar, claims a table and walks up to the bartender to order a beer. He notices a jar of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender what the jar is all about.
"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"
"OK, how?" asks the man.
The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to
complete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours."
"What are the three tasks?" the man asks.
"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."
"OK," replies the man.
The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."
The man thinks for a moment.
"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."
"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"
The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.
"OK, the dog?" he says.
"Out back," the bartender says.
The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.
"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
"We have a little contest going on here," the bartender replies. "Want to play?"
"OK, how?" asks the man.
The bartender explains, "Well, first you put some money in the jar and then you have to
complete three tasks. You finish all three and the money in the jar is yours.""What are the three tasks?" the man asks.
"Well," replies the bartender holding up a little bottle, "First you have to drink this bottle of hot sauce. It's from Africa, and it's hotter than anything you've ever tasted."
"OK," replies the man.
The bartender continues, "Then there's a dog out back. Mean, nasty old thing. She has a bad tooth, and it's causing her a lot of pain. You have to pull it out."
The man thinks for a moment.
"Finally," the bartender says, "there's an old woman in the back of the bar. See her?" He points to a large woman sitting in the corner who is smiling and waving. "She hasn't been with a man in over 30 years. You have to sleep with her."
"Let me think about it," the man says. He goes back to his table and finishes his beer. Then he has a few more. Then a few more. Eventually, he gets up the courage to do the three tasks. He staggers back to the bartender, shoves a bill into the jar and and exclaims, "I'll do it! Let me see that sauce!"
The bartender hands him the sauce. He swills it down, howls loudly and runs for the drinking fountain.
"OK, the dog?" he says.
"Out back," the bartender says.
The man goes out back. For several minutes, yelping and scratching noises are heard. They eventually die down.
"Alright," the man says loudly as he staggers back into the bar. "Where's that lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
Humor jokes-Noisy Neighbor
Young Jock McTavish from Glasgow went to study at a university in England and was living in the hall of residence. After a week his mother rang him. "How do you get along with the other students, Jock?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "They are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."
"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"
"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"
"Well," he replied, "They are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging his head on the wall. The one on the other side screams all night."
"Oh Jock!" said his mother. "How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?"
"I don't do anything. I just sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes!"
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Sardar jokes-Pin
Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
A. Run like crazy….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Animal jokes-Talking Dog !
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a liar... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'
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