Kids Jokes-Bruise

Jim: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Joe: "I ate some Easter candy."
Jim: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Joe: "It will if it's your big brother's candy".

Really funny jokes-Woman's revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Blonde jokes-Jack's telephone number

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Kids jokes-Teacher's Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"

Really funny jokes-What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

An old man once told us......
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a lunatic. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Really funny jokes-Bad news, good news, great news!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.'
'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'
The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb. snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'
Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'
The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

Humor jokes-Faithful husband

Sylvia and Theresa were shopping when Sylvia volunteered that her husband was a completely faithful man. "He never so much as looks at another woman," she said.
It's the same with my Harold," Theresa said. "He's too good, too decent, too kind and....too old."

Really funny jokes-Engine trouble!

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Really funny jokes-Angry woman

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk..
"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.
"I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said.
"Why do you think your wig was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap- looking and ugly. It surely was not the one I came in wearing!"
"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Humor jokes-Wife's Birthday

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Really funny jokes-Captain's Speech

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking on behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard flight 602 from New York to London . We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean , you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses"

Clean jokes-Grandma's home

A 6 year old kid was asked where his Grandma lived.
"Oh," he said,"She lives at the Airport and when we want we just go get her. Then when we are done having her visit, we take her back to the Airport."

Really funny jokes-Praise

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

Funny jokes-Bowling team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"