Really funny jokes-The three patients

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Humor jokes-Jury exemption

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

Short funny jokes-Cheering crowd

As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."

Funny jokes-Rectal thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermo- meter and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some arsehole's got my pen."

Really funny jokes-Good news

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Smith, not Mrs."
"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

Humor jokes-Hillary fan

A grade school teacher in Steuben County asked her class how many of them are "Hillary fans?"
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why are you a George Bush fan?
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

Really funny jokes-The Farmer's offer

A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow.

BASIC COW......... ......... ......... ....$500. 00
Two tone exterior.... ......... ......... ....$45.00
Extra stomach..... ......... ......... ........$ 75.00
Product storing equipment... .......$60. 00
Straw compartment. ......... ......... .$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea.......... ......... ...$40.00
Leather upholstery.. ......... ......... ..$125.00
Dual horns....... ......... ......... ......... ...$45.00
Automatic fly swatter..... ......... ......$38. 00
Fertilizer attachment.. ......... .......$185. 00
GRAND TOTAL....... ......... ......$1, 233.00

Humor jokes-The Special day

"I bet you don't know what day this is," said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Really funny jokes-The problem

A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens. When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.
"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.
"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

Humor jokes-Church Sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"

Funny jokes-Job at the Zoo

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts,
But Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Really funny jokes-Trumpet

This is a classic joke!!

Thanks for the trumpet you gave me for Christmas," Little Pauly said to his Uncle Professor, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said Uncle Professor. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Pauly said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

Really funny jokes-Car Accident

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ...Look, He's Moving!"

Humor jokes-Memory clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding, " Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"