Do you know the relationship between two eyes..? They blink together,
They move together, they cry together, they see things together and
They sleep together BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER.. that's what's friendship
But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye goes blink and the other remains open...
Moral of the story : Girls can break even the best of friendships.
Really funny jokes, adult jokes, good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, very funny jokes, kids jokes, funny pictures
Monday, July 30, 2007
Humor jokes
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Humor Jokes
women are clever, and men are................
check out man !!!!
MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That
will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour!
MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That
will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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---
--
--
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Definations
CONFIDENCE:
One Day all villagers decided to pray for rain.
On the day of prayer all people gathered & only one boy come with umbrella. THATS CONFIDENCE.
TRUST:
Trust should be like feeling of a 1 year old baby, when you throw him in the air, he laughs....
Because he know you will catch him...
HOPE:
Every night we go to bed, have no assurance to get up alive in the next morning
But still we have many plans for coming day...
One Day all villagers decided to pray for rain.
On the day of prayer all people gathered & only one boy come with umbrella. THATS CONFIDENCE.
TRUST:
Trust should be like feeling of a 1 year old baby, when you throw him in the air, he laughs....
Because he know you will catch him...
HOPE:
Every night we go to bed, have no assurance to get up alive in the next morning
But still we have many plans for coming day...
Labels:
short humor jokes
Humor Jokes
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
" Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another
Relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they
Asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????"
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
" Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another
Relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they
Asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????"
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The newly married couple
A young couple left their wedding reception, arriving at the hotel for the first night of their honeymoon. They cracked the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife said, "Your toes look all mangled and funny."
"I had tolio as a child," the husband replied.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, the disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride exclaimed, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles.
It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband removed his undies.
"Let me guess," the wife said. "Smallcox?"
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife said, "Your toes look all mangled and funny."
"I had tolio as a child," the husband replied.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, the disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his pants, his bride exclaimed, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles.
It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride was satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband removed his undies.
"Let me guess," the wife said. "Smallcox?"
Labels:
Really Funny Jokes
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
More one liner jokes
"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
" You're lucky. My wife does."
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."
I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
" You're lucky. My wife does."
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."
Labels:
Short funny jokes,
short humor jokes
One liner jokes
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
Labels:
Short funny jokes,
short humor jokes
Funny Quotes
Practice makes a man perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .so why practice?
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, - three's the result!
But nobody's perfect..... .so why practice?
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.
Love thy neighbour.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, - three's the result!
The Blonde Spy.
Three female spies -- a brunette, a red-head, and a blonde -- had been captured and were awaiting execution. The enemy dictator was nostalgic and had ordered an old-fashioned execution: death by firing squad.
Needless to say, the three spies wanted to survive... but they needed a plan. The red-head spoke up. "I have an idea," she said. "Follow my lead."
As it happened, the red-head was first up against the wall.
"Do you have any last words?" the dictator asked.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"TORNADO!" yelled the red-head, pointing behind the troops.
The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!
The brunette and blonde saw this and got the idea. Next it was the brunette's turn. The dictator marched her up to the wall in front of his soldiers.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"TIDAL WAVE!" the brunette yelled out, pointing.
The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!
The dictator was becoming frustrated, but now it was the blonde's turn. He marched her to the wall in front of his troops.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked, suspiciously.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"FIRE!" said the Blonde
Needless to say, the three spies wanted to survive... but they needed a plan. The red-head spoke up. "I have an idea," she said. "Follow my lead."
As it happened, the red-head was first up against the wall.
"Do you have any last words?" the dictator asked.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"TORNADO!" yelled the red-head, pointing behind the troops.
The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!
The brunette and blonde saw this and got the idea. Next it was the brunette's turn. The dictator marched her up to the wall in front of his soldiers.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"TIDAL WAVE!" the brunette yelled out, pointing.
The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!
The dictator was becoming frustrated, but now it was the blonde's turn. He marched her to the wall in front of his troops.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked, suspiciously.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"FIRE!" said the Blonde
Labels:
Really Funny Jokes
Predictions on computers
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" --Bill Gates, 1981
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" --Bill Gates, 1981
Mommy
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Labels:
Short funny jokes
Snake & Frog
A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
Labels:
Short funny jokes
Management training
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference
between deciding to jump and jumping.
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference
between deciding to jump and jumping.
Labels:
Short funny jokes
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