The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Equations

1.SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

2.GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

3.HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

4.LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

5.PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

6.DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

The Businessman

The income tax officer decides to audit Sindhi businessman Mr. Kewalramani, and summons him to the income tax office. The officer is not surprised when Kewalramani shows up with his attorney, Pestonji..

The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,which you explain by saying that you won money gambling. I'm not sure the income tax finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Kewalramani."How about a demonstration?"

The officer thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Kewalramani says, ** "I'll bet you ten thousand rupees that I can bite my own eye."

The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Kewalramani removes his glass eye and bites it.

The officer's jaw drops.

Kewalramani says, "Now, I'll bet you Twenty Thousand rupees that I can bite my other eye."

The officer can tell Kewalramani isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Kewalramani removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realizes he has wagered and lost* *Thirty thousand rupees, with Pestonji as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Kewalramani asks.

"I'll bet you Sixty Thousand rupees that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and Decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, So he agrees again.

Kewalramani stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The officer leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss Into a huge win.

But Pestonji moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the officer asks.* *

"Not really," says Pestonji, the attorney.

"This morning, when Kewalramani told me he'd been summoned for an audit,he bet me One Hundred Thousand Rupees that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

The Battle

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man would live
a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the double
cheeseburger.

And McDonald's said to man, "You want fries with that?"

And man said "Supersize them" and man gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my fresh salad."

But Satan created ice cream.

And man gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."

But Satan created steak so big that it needs its own platter.

And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.

But Satan created cable TV with remote control so man would not have
to toil to change channels.

So man watched others exercise and man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.

But Satan created deep fried potatoes called potato chips (crisps)
and dips in which to plunge them.

And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
in fat and cholesterol,

It tasted good, but man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

But Satan controlled the health care system.

Favorite Songs of Biblical Figures

Favorite Songs of Biblical Figures

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

the phone call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a
repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 232-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said,

"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

The horse

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a
horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so
pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.

"Afraid not," said the farmer.

"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"

"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"

"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

Sardar Jokes

A Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color
TVs?"
"Sure."
Give me a green one, please."

-----------------------------------
A Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it
take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.

----------------------------
EMPLOYMENT..
Our sardarji was filling up an application form
for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled
NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He
was not sure as to what to be filled there.
after much thought he wrote : Yes

----------------------------------
CROCODILE BOOTS..
A Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if
you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets
off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search
is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles
and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over
the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and *again* barefeet!"

the Great Thief

There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape me unplundered. "

This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.

When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found.

On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard, saying, "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.

On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"

The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.

smart elderly man

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

a drunk

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
'They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator, ' he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. 'Never mind,' said the drunk with a hiccup, 'I got in the
backseat by mistake.'

Hopping and Bouncing and Skipping

An obese blonde with unhealthy overweight, went to Doctor. Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise. "I want you to eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said,
"So you did follow my instructions? "

The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.
"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained.

brilliant answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic."Try to do it when the engine is running".

Where to tap

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster.

He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.
He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. " He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer .. $ 2.00
Knowing where to ......... $ 9998.00