Redemption

Albert prayed to God, "Oh Almighty! I have sinned. I want redemption. Please give me sorrow & pain, give me troubles, let me be haunted by spirits."

God boomed, "Cut it short, mate. Why don't you just say you want a wife!"

Boyfriend's birthday

Rita to Tina, "It's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow."

Tina, "Cool. What are you giving him?"

Rita, "I was about to ask you that. What should I give him?"

Tina, "Is he rich?"

Rita, "Yes, he is."

Tina, "Then give him my number!"

Weird dreams

Santa Singh said the the psychiatrist, "I get these weird dreams where I see kangaroos playing soccer."

The psychiatrist said, "Do not worry. I will prescribe you a few medicines. Just have them before going to bed."

Santa Singh said, "Ok, I will start taking the medicines from Sunday."

The psychiatrist asked, "Why not start today?"

Santa Singh replied, "Oh, the finals are on Saturday."

Helpless

A drunk man fell on the road. Looking at his condition, Pandu, the policeman on duty commented, "Why do you drink so much?"

The drunk man replied, "Sir, I was helpless."

Pandu glared at him and said, "Oh really? And how is that?"

The drunk dude replied, "I had lost the cap of the bottle!"

How to check your weight

Leela saw her husband Arun step on the weighing machine, and she noticed he was trying to pull in his tummy.

She commented, "You know that's not going to do you any good."

Arun replied, "If course I need to do it. How else do you think I will be able to see the digits below?" 

A different kind of motivation

A successful entrepreneur won a business award in the IT field and was asked by a reporter as to how he managed to motivate his workers to come to office on time.

The entrepreneur replied, "Oh, that' easy. I have 45 people working for me but only 44 parking lots without pay. I charge for the last lot. 

Ten times

Peter said to his wife Claudia, "You will not believe what happened today! I bought an old lamp at the junkyard sale and guess what? I rubbed it and out came a genie!"

Claudia said excitedly, "Really?? Did you ask for anything?"

Peter replied, "Yes i did. I asked for your intelligence to be enhanced ten times."

Claudia said, "Oh! That's so sweet of you."

Peter retorted, "Yeah, but I forgot anything multiplied by zero remains zero."

Dangerous events

An aspirant who wanted to participate in a Daredevilry event was asked by the selection committee, "Do you taken part in any dangerous events?"

Johnny, the aspirant, replied, "Yep. I do not agree with my wife on some occasions."

Shopping at the mall

Jack says to his wife Mandy, "You've been missing since the last 5 hours. Where were you?"

Mandy replies, "I had gone shopping at the mall."

Jack asks, "Ok, so what have you got?"

Mandy replies, "A lipstick and 50 selfies."