Property agent

Ben, a property agent, was showing a condo to a couple, Mr. & Mrs. Jones, who wanted to occupy the property on rent.

Ben asked, "Are you both employed?"

The couple nodded in unison.

Ben asked, "Children?"

Mrs Jones, replied, "Three. Ages six, eight & nine."

Ben asked, "Animals?"

Mrs. Jones replied, "No no. They are all decent and well behaved children."

Acquit a murderer

The DA, staring at the jury of 12 in disbelief said, "How on earth could you acquit this murderer?"

One of them answered, "Insanity."

The DA said, "All 12 of you?"

Breaking the news

Doctor Ludwig called his patient Thomas and said, "I need to share two things with you. I am afraid the first bit of information is not good news. I will find it even harder to break the next bit of information to you."

Thomas braced himself and said to the doctor, "Okay, tell me, how bad is it?"

Doctor Ludwig said, "You have less than 48 hours to live."

Thomas exclaimed, "What??!! I can't believe this! What could we worse than this?"

Doctor Ludwig sighed and said, "I was unable to get through your phone since day before."

The flirting salesman

Dennis, a salesman at a clothing store, was a big flirt. He had often been warned for flirting with customers but he was not one to give up so soon.

One day, a pretty young thing came to the store and selecting a dress material, asked him, "How much for this fabric material for a new gown?"

Dennis replied, "For you, it's a kiss a meter."

The girl, shocked by this rude reply, quickly recovered and said, "Ok, I will take 12 meters then."

Dennis, not believing his good luck, quickly measured and wrapped the fabric. Then holding the parcel out to her, he looked at her with naughty eyes.

The girl, snatching the parcel from him and pointing towards an old man, said, "Grandpa here will settle the bill."

Understanding gadgets

Dora had always been scared of technology and was never good with gadgets. She had a talent for mixing up instructions. Within a week of her marriage, her hubby bought her a brand new state-of-the-art automatic coffee maker.

The salesman explained in details how that thing worked. Plugging it in - setting the timer. He explained to her that she can go back to bed and when she wakes up, the coffee is ready for her.

A couple of days later, Dora went to visit the store. When the salesman asked her how was the coffee maker working, Dora replied, "Oh, it's great! But there's one thing that I always wanted to ask you. Why do I have to go to sleep every time I want to make some coffee for my husband and me?”

I am a duck!

Mr. Pereira went to see a shrink about his son's problem.

He said to the shrink, "I am very anxious about my son's condition. He thinks he is a duck."

The shrink asked him, "Since when has he been displaying such behavior?"

Mr. Pereira replied, "Almost 6 months I guess."

The shrink exclaimed, "My god, why didn't you see me earlier about this problem?"

Mr. Pereira replied, "I am ashamed to say this. But we needed the eggs."

Earn a new phone

When Daniel returned home from one of his business trips, he noticed his son showing off a brand new mobile phone.

Daniel asked his son Stephen, "How did you get that?"

Stephen replied, "By getting lost."

Daniel asked, "Getting lost? What do you mean?"

Stephen replied, "While you were away, Mom's boss came home every night and gave me 10 pounds to get lost."

The brute

Joe was running a circus since the last 2 decades. When his lion tamer left, he knew he had to find a replacement soon. In reply to an ad, there were two people who turned up. One was an old guy called Johny and the other a stunning brunette called Lydia.

Joe handed them both a whip each and warned them that the lion was ferocious and quite a brute.

When asked who wanted to try their luck first, Lydia raised her hand. Leaving her whip behind, she simply walked into the lion's cage. Seeing her, the lion got up and charged towards her. Lydia unbuttoned her waistcoat revealing her smooth curves.

The lion stopped, lied down and rolled on the ground like a puppy. He started licking her feet. Joe was astounded by this sight.

He turned to the other candidate, Johny and said, "Well, can you beat that?"

"Sure", said old man Johnny, "Just get that wild animal out of there."

Upset boss

My boss, Mr. Somel was upset with me for coming late to work.

He shouted at me saying, "You should have been here at 9 am."

I replied, "Why? What happened at 9?"