Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Use of a cell phone

When Abdul went to talk to his shrink about his marital issues, the shrink asked him, "Do you talk to your wife when you make love at night?"

"Of course I do", replied Abdul, "What do you think I use my cell phone for?"

Monday, December 15, 2014

Thunder and lightening

When there was loud thunder and lightening, little Joey was rudely woken out of his slumber and he ran to his parents' bedroom.

His father tried to comfort him by saying, "There's no need to be scared of thunder & lightening. It's just some sound & flash that God makes when he is displeased with someone telling a lie."

Little Joey asked,"But why is God making those sounds at this hour? It's past midnight and everyone is fast asleep."

His father said, "Yes that's right, my son. But this is the time when newspapers get printed!"

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Be polite!

When I took my son Neel to a restaurant to have pizza, I could see how impatient he was getting waiting for the pizza to arrive.

When the waiter finally served the pizza, Neel quickly took the bigger piece for himself.

I thought I needed to talk to him, and said, "Neel, you gotta learn to be polite."

"Huh", said Neel, "What was that about?"

"You know what I am talking about", I said.

"Ok" said Neel. "If you had to pick up first, which one would you take?"

I replied, "The smaller one, of course."

Neel shot back, "You want the smaller one, you get the smaller one. So where is the problem?"

Friday, December 12, 2014

The trouble you got yourself into

Janie bought a new SIM card and the fist thought that came to her mind was to surprise her husband Jake. So Janie replaced the old SIM with the new one in her cellphone. She went to the bedroom and called Jake who was reading the newspaper in the living room.

"Hi Sweetheart!" she said, calling from the new number.

Jake replied in a hushed tone, "Can I call you back sweety. My wife is in the bedroom!"

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Attractive package by Mehta travels

Mehta travels, a travel agency based in India, advertised an attractive package to enhance sales. They offered a free ticket for the spouse on the purchase of one ticket to Europe. Undoubtedly, the scheme was a huge success with men buying the package trip and sales multiplied.

When the scheme ended, Mehta travels sent letters to the wives asking for feedback on the vacation.

All of them replied, "What vacation?"

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

A rainy night

Anita is invited to her friend's place for dinner. Judy, the hostess, serves her a delicious dinner. Later, when Anita is ready to leave, it starts raining heavily. Judy invites her to stay over for the night and go home when the weather clears th next day. Anita agrees.

Anita settles down to watch TV while Judy goes up into the bedroom to help her kid go to sleep.

When Judy comes down, she finds Anita missing. While she was wondering where Anita had gone, the  doorbell rings. Its Anita at the door. Judy asks her blonde friend where she had been. Anita replies, "I went home to get my nightwear."

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Hell's not so bad

Joe Fernandez was involved in a road accident and died. He realized he was in hell when he was approached by an attendant of the devil.

The attendant said, "Why are you looking so depressed?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "I died young. And then I land up in hell. Of course, I am depressed."

The attendant said, "It's not so bad out here. In fact, we have loads of fun. U like booze?"

"Yeah, I do," said Joe Fernandez.

The attendant said, "Tuesdays are booze days. We play rock music and drink beer all day."

Joe Fernandez said, "Sounds good to me."

The attendant asked, "Do you like to smoke?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "I do, yes"

The attendant said, "We get to smoke all we can on Thursdays. The finest cigars are available, we don't care about cancer, we ain't alive anyways."

Joe Fernandez said, "That's awesome!"

The attendant asked, "Do you like to gamble?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "I don't mind."

The attendant said, "Wait till you hear about Fridays. We get to gamble all day. Its smashing!"

Joe Fernandez exclaimed, "I can't believe it!"

The attendant asked, "Do you like to get high on narcot*cs?"

Joe Fernandez said, "Whoa! Man...the works."

The attendant said, "On Sundays, we all get high on weed. All sorts available. Take your pick!"

Joe Fernandez said, "Who would have thought hell is such a rockin' place!"

The attendant asked, "Are u g*y?"

Joe Fernandez replied, "No!"

The attendant said, "I don;t think you are gonna like Mondays."

Monday, December 8, 2014

Mary's birthday

Phil forgot his wife Mary's birthday and she was sure mad as hell.

Mary screamed at him ,"I can't believe this! After doing so much for you for all these years, how could you just forget my b'day?"

Phil replied, "Honey, its not my fault. You never seem to be getting any older. No wonder I forgot."

Mary's anger melted and she hugged Phil.

Phil winked at his refection in the mirror and thought to himself, "Thank God I could come up with this line and the timing was so right! Or else I would have had it today!!!"

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Rock-hard bread

 Ronnie asked his friend Bubba, "Why do you have broken teeth?"

Bubba replied, "My wife gave me rock-hard bread."

Ronnie said, "Well, why didn't you just refuse to eat?"

Bubba sighed and replied, "She threw it at me!"