Aggressive bull

Farmer Joe's latest addition to his farm was a young cow. The moment the cow entered the farm gate, Joe's big bull spotted her and started stomping it's feet. It became aggressive and started kicking and jumping.

Farmer Joe feared the bull would knock her up. He wanted the cow to feel at home first before letting her out with the bull. So he consulted the local vet who advised Joe to tie a big curtain around the cow's rump to keep the bull away.

Joe did just that and went to sleep. The next morning, he went to check on the cow but she was nowhere to be seen. Joe followed the trail of her steps to a distance and noticed a young boy sitting near a pond. Farmer Joe asked the young boy if he had seen a cow with a curtain tied around her rump.

The young lad replied, "Don't know that, sir, but I saw one run by with a handkerchief sticking out of her behind!"

Blind

The Sunday church was full, and everyone was singing spiritual songs. The rhythm was building up into a frenzy. A pretty young woman, leaning ahead in the balcony, lost her balance in her enthusiasm and fell over the railing.

As she was falling, the hem of her dress got caught in the chandelier. Though it arrested her fall, her dress was pulled over her waist for a nice view available to everyone below.

The preacher shouted, "Any man who looks up shall turn blind!"

Old man Jason whispered into his friend's ears, "I think I will take that chance. My right eye isn't worth much anyway!"

White-haired woman

My father was  out for his morning jog, when he noticed an old white-haired woman seated on a bench and crying uncontrollably. My father stopped to check what was wrong and if he could do anything to help her.

Still sobbing, she said to Dad, "I have a husband at home who I am married to since the last 48 years. He makes love to me in the morning. For breakfast, he makes poached eggs, toast, grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms and fresh coffee for me very morning."

My father asked, "So why are you weeping?"

The white-haired woman said, "For lunch, he prepares broccoli soup, salad, steak and pie. Then he gives pleasure to me in bed all afternoon."

My father, now thoroughly confused, asked, "So why is it that you are upset?"

The old woman went on, "He makes roasted beef for dinner, serves it to me with wine and dessert. Then he makes me feel like a woman for 2 hours in the night."

My father, impatient by now, asked again, "So why the tears?"

The old woman answered, "I can't recollect where I live!"

Lottery money

China's premier TV channel was interviewing a farmer called Chang who had just won a big lottery. The channel representative said to Chang, "Congrats on wining RMB 1 million. How do you plan to spend the money?"

Chang replies, "I will just continue to be a farmer until all the lottery money is gone."

Wonders of a new born

Cyndy had just delivered a baby and was adjusting to the life of a woman who had recently become a mother.

One night, after she and her husband Peter had just put the baby to sleep, she found Peter stand near the baby's cradle looking at the child. Cyndy was standing at the door, observed Peter's face looking down at the new born. His face was a mix of emotions - uncertainty, disbelief, pleasure, happiness, admiration.

Cyndy was deeply touched to see such a display of emotions on Peter's face. She went up to him and putting her arms around his shoulder, asked, "What are you thinking honey?"

Peter replied, "It's incredible, It's hard to believe someone sold the cradle to us for only $47!!"

In the garden

Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
 

When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"

Stella replied, "In the garden."

Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"

Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"

Two musicians

Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.

When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"

Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"

A drink too many

This funny incident happened right in front of my eyes.

I was in the Metro train in Washington DC when a young man, who seemed to have had a drink too many, flopped into an empty seat.
 

An old lady sitting next to him got agitated and remarked, "I can see your future.You are going to hell."

The inebriated guy jumped out of his seat, and yelled, "But I need to go to Pentagon city!"

Who lost weight?

Ever worried about his wife's excessive weight, Jim said to to his friend John, "Mary took up horse riding to lose weight. Lost 8 Kgs."

John said, "Good for her, hard work bears fruit."

Jim sad, "No, not her. The horse lost weight."