Hilarious jokes-String quartet

I asked my friend, Jose, who was learning to play the violin : "How do you define a string quartet?

This was the reply from Jose, "It comprises of a a fine violinist, a bad violinist, one terribly bad violinist who became a violist, and one cellist who doesn't like violinists, all getting together to criticize the composers."

Good jokes-Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.

Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.

So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"

"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"

Clean jokes-Skin cream

Mike Sweeney goes to the pharmacy to buy an anti-infective skin cream. When the pharmacist gives him one, Mike reads the directions to use. It says : apply locally twice a day.

Mike says to the pharmacist: "But I can't apply locally, I'm going out of town."

Short funny jokes-Horse in bar

Harry, the horse trots into a pub.

The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

Really funny jokes-Principles of Household Physics

10 Principles of Household Physics

You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:

1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.

5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.

7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.

10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.

Animal jokes-Karate pig

Bitzer: What is the term for a pig that practices karate?

Shaun: A pork chop.

Aviation jokes-Aircraft Identification

Aviation funnies

Tom teaching his friend Bob how to identify aircrafts:

If you find it ugly, it's British.
If you find it, it's French.
If you find it ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Really funny jokes-Oroville

Father Richard was playing golf with a clergyman. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. The cleryman heard him mutter, "Oroville!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a lateral hazard. "Oroville!" exclaimed Father Richard again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, Father Richard got lucky and his drive landed on the green only five inches from the hole! He said, "Praise be to God!"

He was careful with his shot, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
His reaction was "Oroville!"

By this time, the clergyman was too curious not to ask, so he questioned the priest why he kept saying the word "Oroville".

"It's the largest dam I know." Father Richard replied.

Mrs. Cooper's 101st Birthday

Mary called her old friend, Mrs. Cooper on her 101st birthday to ask how she planned to celebrate her big day.

Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."

Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."

“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”

Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!”