Open a book

Tom, while scolding his son, said, "Why don't I ever see you study? Never seen you open a book."

The teen replied, "I do open a book every day."

Tom asked, "And which one is that??"

The teen said, "Facebook!"

All about birds

Miss Monica, the English teacher asked the little Tom, "Do you know all about birds?"

Little Tom replied, "Yes, madam. I do."

Miss Monica asked, "Tell me which bird cannot fly."

Little Tom replied, "A dead one!"

One sided love

Billy said to his friend, "What is your view on one-sided love?"

Joey says, "I think I would prefer it over both-sided love. When love is on both sides, sometimes it culminates into marriage!" 

Seeing the doc

Alex went to see Dr. Jones and sneezed the moment he walked in the doc's cabin.

The doctor asked, "Flu?"

Alex said, "No, I took a bus."

The honeymoon offer

Elena went to see a travel agent and asked him, "Do you have any cheap honeymoon offers?"

The travel agent replied, "Of course, we have. 3 nights and 4 days in Zurich only for $1500 only."

Elena asked, "Anything cheaper than that?"

The travel agent said, "3 nights & 4 days in Bangkok for $1000 only."

Elena further asked, "Anything cheaper than that?"

The travel agent said, "2 nights & 3 days in Malaga for $750."

Elena, still not happy with the price, asked, "Anything cheaper?"

The travel agent replied, "Yes. 9 nights and 10 days in Paris, London and Rome. You will be booked in the honeymoon suite of the best 5 star hotels.Food, hotel stay, all travel expenses and sight seeing will be free."

Elena was excited and exclaimed, "Wow! What a super offer! What's the catch?"

The travel agent smiled and replied, "The husband will be provided by us!"

Meaning to my life

Ronald sent an SMS to his wife Martha, "I want to thank you today for making my life so beautiful and filling it with vivid colours. Whatever, I have achieved in life today is all because of your support. You give meaning to my life and make it worth living. You are the guiding force that keeps me going."

Martha texted back, "Is this the fifth or the sixth peg? If you are done with your drinking, please come home. Don't worry, I will not scream at you."

Ronald texted again, "I am standing outside. Please open the door."

Let the lady go!

Bob the thief had been eyeing the Evans mansion for quite some time. One day, he broke into the mansion and found a man and a woman inside. He tied up the lady and pointing a gun, hissed to the guy, "Take me to the electronic safe..NOW!"

The guy started crying and said to Bob, "Take what you want but please let the lady go. She is my neighbour's wife! Mine will walk into the house any time!"