Mrs. Cooper's 101st Birthday

Mary called her old friend, Mrs. Cooper on her 101st birthday to ask how she planned to celebrate her big day.

Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."

Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."

“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”

Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!”

Short funny jokes-Judge to dentist

What did the judge say to the dentist?

"Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Hilarious jokes-Burger King's left handed whopper

Burger King played a gimmick in the late 90s when it advertized in the leading dailies about a new item on their menu - it was a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 10% of the American population that is left-handed. According to the ad, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper - like mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, pickles, patty, etc. - but all the seasoning were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The next day Burger King issued a follow-up release disclosing that the Left-Handed Whopper was actually a hoax, but thousands of customers had turned up at the Burger King joints to request the new junk food. Not just that, there were many others who requested their own 'right handed' version.

Really funny jokes-Alligator's Teeth

Sandra was holidaying in Thailand when she saw a native wearing a beautiful white necklace.

Admiring it, she asked the Thai, "What is it made of?"

"Crocodile's teeth," the Thai replied.

Sandra said with an air of superiority, "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," the native objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care

We, the elderly do not want nursing homes anymore. We prefer to check into a Holiday Inn!

What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.

We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves us with a host of benefits:

# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.

# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.

# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.

# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.

# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.

# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.

# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .

# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.

# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.

# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.

# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.

# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.

# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.

# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.

What more could we old folk ask for?

Office jokes-Always bad news

Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."

John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."

Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."

Short funny jokes-Cement mixer

Little Tommy and Little Johnny are watching constructions workers busy at a construction site close to their house.

Little Tommy says to Little Johnny, "What will you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"

Little Johnny replies, "A brick-layer!"