Clean jokes funny-Warm beer

A crop-duster was asked by a friend how his day had gone.

"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing of the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped off at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beers?'"

The bartender said, "Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road."

"What could I say to that?"

Short funny jokes-Average age

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Hillbilly jokes-Possum

How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Really funny jokes-Fresh auditor

A bright, young, fresh-out-of- school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders; like the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the
Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi,"the I.R.S....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Light bulb jokes-New age gurus

Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - Change must come from within.

Kids jokes-Left handed

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grand-mother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..." doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Clean jokes-Ticket collector

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes," answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive.
The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.
The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up all the world's electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included.
The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He strokes his chin. "Its something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."