Funny blonde jokes-The Gift

A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he had time to think.
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.

Short funny jokes-Hairy

What does a tarantula wish he had?
A hairy godmother

Really funny jokes-Polish

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" the customer asks the clerk.
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot!"

Humor jokes-New sign

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines, enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Hilarious short jokes-Honesty

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

Really funny jokes-The lessons of age

Lessons of age-Senior humor
-----------------------------

Now that I'm older....here' s what I've discovered: "I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it."

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's that sudden stop at the end.

Sardar jokes-Black Tie Party

A Sardar received an invitation, to a party which said “Black Tie Only”!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts as well !!!!