Really funny jokes-Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

Kids jokes-Good deed for the day

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.

"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it."

Hilarious jokes-Retiring Accountant

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."

Funny jokes-Day at the Zoo

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, "it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street."

Valentine's Day joke-It's the thought that counts

My dear wife is always going on and on and on about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day.

She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would.

Here's my list - see what you think:

* Brand new mop and bucket.

I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.

* Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.

I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

* Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box. I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

* Midnight moped ride through the park. I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

* Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.

* 45 second back massage. I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.

* Windows Vista. I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

Animal jokes-Birthday song

What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?

"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

Really funny jokes-A pair of animals

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

SMS jokes-Economics without assumptions

What would Economics be without assumptions?

Accounting.

Funny office jokes-Stolen stock

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.

Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"

And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."

Short hilarious jokes-In the Zoo

I was in the zoo last week.

Really? Which cage were you in?

Really funny jokes-No sound

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.

They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.

The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.

Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.

The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted

'Okay, who's got the remote control?'

Political jokes-Sleeps around

What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?

A breeding-heart liberal.

Funny jokes-First accountant

Who was the first accountant?

Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

Really funny jokes-Fish poaching

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.

I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.

After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.

They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.

"Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

One line jokes-Repossessed

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Celebrity jokes-Tom Cruise's offer

Q: Why did People Magazine turn down Tom Cruise's offer to sell pictures of his infant daughter Suri?

A: The editor said "We'd pay 5 million for pictures of Suri's conception, but Tom Cruise isn't in them."

Short funny jokes-Alive in flight

Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

Hilarious jokes-The Unknown Soldier

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

Good jokes-Norwegian in Museum

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old."

The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."

Funny jokes-The Big Apple

Why did Eve want to move to New York ?

She fell for the Big Apple !

Really funny jokes-Robbery foiled

A robbery at a school in Providencia, Chile was foiled when the pupils laughed at the perpetrator of the crime reports the newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias.

The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, 'This is a robbery'.

The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery.

More Confucius says

Confucius says

[1] Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.

[2] Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

[3] Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

[4] Man who fish in other mans' well often catch craps.

[5] Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Finance jokes-Bank in trouble

Robyn leaves home for University and after several weeks she turns up at home in quite a distressed state.

'Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice,' she splutters.

'I did?' responds her father, 'What did I tell you?'

Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble,' explains Robyn sniffing.

'What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country,' he remarks, 'there must be some mistake.....'

'I don't think so,' Robyn interrupts, 'They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, "Insufficient Funds".'

One line jokes-War

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Really funny jokes-Safety briefing

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

Celebrity jokes-Tomkat and Bragelina

Q: Now that Tomkat (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) have had a silent birth everyone's wondering what Brangelina are going to do?

A: Sources say that they are going to have the baby in Africa and adopt it right away.

Short funny jokes-Never ask an accountant

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

Really funny jokes-Short runway

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"

Kids jokes-Five stone in two weeks

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it?

The elephant's!

Hilarious jokes-An apple a day

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.

"Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

Finance jokes-Laws of Acounting

Laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will

Really funny jokes-Chewing gum

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

Clean jokes-Running nose

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.

"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old

There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.

A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.

"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"

"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."

Short funny jokes-Change the baby

Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

Funny jokes-Unbelievable

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

Accountant jokes-Shy and retiring

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
R

Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Funny jokes-All you can pick

A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"

"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.

"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."

Accountant jokes

What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

Really funny jokes-Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Good jokes-Pharaohs

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?

Egyptian dummies.

Funny jokes-School lunch

School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.

"What kind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy indignantly.

"What's it taste of ?" asked the cook.

"Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."

One line jokes-Drink and drive

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

Short funny jokes-Baby girls and boys

Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?

Because they can't dress themselves.

Really funny jokes-You Know You're from New Mexico When

You Know You're from New Mexico When

Your favorite breakfast meat is sliced fried bologna.

You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.

Your favorite restaurant has a chili list instead of a wine list.

You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.

Your Christmas decorations include a yard of sand and 200 paper bags.

You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.

You have an extra freezer just for green chili.

You think a yellow light means to go faster and a red light is merely a suggestion.

You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.

You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.

You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.

There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.

All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.

You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.

Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.

You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 AM because you were hungry.

Tumbleweeds and various cactus in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.

If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.

Good jokes-In the ditch

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

Economy jokes-Harvest crunch

The Allied Irish Bank has issued a credit warning about Kellogg's, they are worried about the Harvest Crunch.

Funny jokes-Blue elephants

Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.

Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."

Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."