Funny jokes-Hillbilly

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?

The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.

One line jokes-Missing mass of the universe

"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not in cockroaches."
– a New York City tenant.

Hilarious jokes-Birthday party

A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.

But the clown hadn't shown up.

After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.

I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Finance jokes-Sell it all

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

Really funny jokes-Cheerleader

Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?

A. H-E-L-L-O!

Hilarious jokes-Confucius Reexamined

* Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

* Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

* Man with one chopstick go hungry.

* Man who scratches bum should not bite fingernails.

Funny jokes-Lost a thong

Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong.

"Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!".

"Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one".

Celebrity jokes-Oprah Winfrey virus

Q: What is the Oprah Winfrey virus?

A: Your 250GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 90GB, and then slowly expands to 500GB.

Blonde jokes-Head and shoulders

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

Finance jokes-Yachts

A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

One line jokes-Paranoids

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

Really funny jokes-A Miracle

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.

"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.

SMS jokes-Skeleton

Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?

A. He had no body to talk with!

Funny jokes-Lipstick problem

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Celebrity jokes-Brad and Angelina

Q: What did Brad Pitt say when Angelina brought her mixed race kids and family to Brad's Malibu Mansion?

A: What will the neighbors say?

Really funny jokes-Wee button

Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.

Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

Clean jokes-Empty

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Short funny jokes-Cheapest time

Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?

A. When they're not home!

Really funny jokes-Confucius says

Confucius says

[1] Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

[2] Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

[3] Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

[4] Boy who goes to sleep with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand.

Lawyer jokes-Winning the case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Cannibal jokes-Wedding party

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom!

Kids jokes- At the Wedding

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Really funny jokes-How old are you?

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Celebrity jokes-Baby boy

Did you hear Britney Spears had a baby boy?

The baby is doing fine, the mother is doing fine, the husband still isn't doing anything at all.

Funny jokes-Stiff one

"So he asked me what I wanted, and I told him, 'A long, strong, stiff one.'"

"Oh, my!" "Yeah, but you should have seen his face when I said, 'I meant a drink!'"

Obama jokes-Coverage for preexisting conditions

Q: Under Obama's health care plan can you get coverage for preexisting conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment!

Really funny jokes-The confessional box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

One line jokes-Roundest knight

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Celebrity jokes-Satellite dish

Q: Why did Tom Cruise wear a satellite dish on his head during his wedding with Katie Holmes?

A: To get better reception of the signals from the aliens!

Funny jokes-Angry corpse

How can you tell if a corpse is angry?

It flips its lid!

Really funny jokes-Health insurance policy

A brilliant man goes to the hospital one day. "Doctor, I think I'm too smart. I can’t communicate with other people because nobody else sees things the way I do and it's ruining my social life. Is there anything you can do?”

The doctor performs many tests on the man, and finds that he is too smart for his own good. The doctor tells the man “Your IQ is 250, which is much greater than an average person. Luckily I can help you. I have a machine that will reduce your IQ to 160. You will still be very smart but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."

The man asks to receive the treatment immediately so the doctor straps him into the machine. Right after the doctor turns on the machine he gets a call from his ex-wife and they have a heated argument for several minutes. All of the sudden the doctor remembers his patient and hurriedly turns off the machine, but is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75. The doctor asks, "Are you ok?"

The formerly brilliant man doesn’t respond The doctor shakes him, yelling "Say Something."

The main replies "Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?"

Clean jokes-Telephone and pants

Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?

A. Bell-bottoms!

Funny jokes-Case of gonorrhea

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."

Blonde jokes-Red Magic Marker

Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

One line jokes-Heredity

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Short funny jokes-Witnesses

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians hate ALL witnesses.

Really funny jokes-Breaking into a bank

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe.
There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.

"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.

A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"

Good jokes-Twice a week

Question. How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?

Answer. He starts bathing twice a week.

Insurance jokes-Highly honored

You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents."

"Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm one of them."

Really funny jokes-Mr. Jay Leno of the Tonight Show

When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:

Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?"
A waitress: "Is it because the Sun makes them perspire?"

Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?"
An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"

Jay Leno: What are magnets?"
A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"

Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?"
A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."

Clean jokes-American colonists

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

Liberty!

Finance jokes-Stockbroker frog

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

Short funny jokes-50 cent piece

Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?

A: He married her.

Really funny jokes-Husband's dentures

So a lady goes into a dentists office, gets on a chair and spreads her legs far apart.

The doctor is shocked to see this so he says: "Excuse me, miss, you must have the wrong place, this is a dentist's office."

The lady answers back: "Well, didn't you put my husband's dentures in last week?" the lady says.

The doctor nodded.

"Well," the lady said, "now you have to get them out."

One line jokes-Understandable

If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

Funny jokes-Signs your girlfriend is going to dump you

Signs Your Girlfriend Is Going To Dump You...

-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

-- Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

-- Your other girlfriend told you so.

-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"

Hilarious jokes-Marriage and a mental hospital

Question. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?

Answer. At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

Really funny jokes-Insulting in an Appreciating Manner

Insulting in an Appreciating Mannerr

"You're so smart, for an American."

"You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!"

"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."

"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"

"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."

"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."

"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."

"You're so evolved…for a man."
.

Good jokes-Name of Ranch

Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.

Question: So what did they call their ranch?
Answer: They called it “Focus”, because that’s where the sun’s rays meet (sons raise meat).

Lawyer jokes-Sleeping Juror

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."