Adult jokes | Private part

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Short funny jokes-How many professors

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Funny jokes-Identifying bacteria

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.

Good jokes-Driving permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair…."
To which his father replied… "Yes, you’re right…
and they also WALKED every where they went!"

Halloween jokes-Why Pumpkins are better than Men!

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

Adult jokes | Husband & wife talking in bed

Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Really funny jokes-Camouflage

Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman's outfitters and asks,
'Do you sell camouflage jackets?'

'Yes, indeed,' replies the salesman, unfortunately we can't find them.'

Clean jokes-Study Jesus

Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.

His reply was, 'Nothing.'

So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'

Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

Short funny jokes-Snowman in haunted house

What do you get when you put a snowman in a haunted house?

Ice screams!

Hilarious jokes-Picture in the refrigerator

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Short adult jokes | Struggling with English

The young Swedish pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

Really funny jokes-More important

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Good jokes-Ten common fishing expressions explained

Ten common fishing expressions explained

1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops your boat when you have caught over the limit.

2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings [see also, right hook, left hook].

3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.

4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your £15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.

8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get an elastoplasts [band aid], you soon find that you need more than one.

10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your creativity in blaming 'that flippin' line' for once again losing the fish.

Short funny jokes-Herd of buffalo

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

Office jokes-The new recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

Really funny jokes-Chinese New Year

It was Chinese New Year. Bill and Jackson had just staggered back home from a hard night's drinking when they noticed that a menu from the new restaurant next door had come through the letter box. On a whim they decided to celebrate the Chinese New Year with a take-away. Jackson, was just off out of the door to fetch their meal when Bill turned to him and said, 'Please get me 20 number 6 while you're at the take-away.

Jackson returned with their chicken Chou Mein, sweet and sour pork and 20 portions of egg fried rice. Bill said, 'Where's me fags'. Jackson said, 'What cigarettes, you asked for 20 number 6 and that's what you've got, enough egg fried rice to feed a Chinese Junk from Shanghai to Hong Kong'.

Bill said, 'When I was last in England Embassy No 6 was a packet of fags.'

Adult jokes | Vacation in Caribbean

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”“I can’t tell you!” the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?” “I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says. “There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says. “Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.” The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”

Hilarious jokes-Moose Hunters

Two Moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition and both manage to shoot a large moose.
When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at the animals and says, 'This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.'

'That's gobbled-gook and nonsense!' explodes an angry Wally.
Yep,' agrees Jeff, 'you're just a cowardly custard. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!'

'Mmmm,' adds Wally, 'and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours, Ronnie.'
Ronnie becomes cross, as well, and snaps, 'Dang me, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody'
Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers.

Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear it, and mumbles, 'Where are we?'
Wally appears dishevelled from behind a shrub, looks around and replies, 'Oh.....I'd say ... about a hundred metres further than last year.'

Kids jokes-Can my Momma get pregnant?

In a second grade class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Adult jokes | Growing wild!

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world. "The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?" The first little old lady says, "Look at that." "When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it." "When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it." "When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it." "When I was 40 years old, I asked for it." "When I was 50 years old, I paid for it." "When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it." "When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it." "And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Really funny jokes-Distraught wife

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'

Funny jokes-Cycle

A beautiful girl goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's so dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom lady.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the girl leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the girl stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."

He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

Short funny jokes-Few words

Nicky: I'm a man of few words.

Mike: I'm married, too.

Animal Jokes-Artificially inseminated

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"

Funny jokes-M&Ms

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.

"No!" replied the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

Really funny jokes-Chinese delegate

At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'

The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.

A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.

At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.

When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'

Yo Mama jokes-Funny punches

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer.

Hilarious jokes-Crucial letter

An English public school was forced to raise its fees. The headmaster, Mr Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money was to institute an across the board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial 'n' in the last word, consequently, the letter read thus:

Dear Mr Elsworth

Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by 7% per anum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)

The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

Yours sincerely
W.K Elsworth

Clean jokes-Walk out during sermon

'I hope you didn't take it personally, Father, 'an embarrassed woman said after a church service, 'when my husband walked out during your sermon.'

'I did find it rather disconcerting,' the vicar replied.

'It's not a reflection on you, Father' insisted the church goer.
'Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.'

Really funny stuff-Horse

A new pub landlady got a shock when she discovered one of her regulars is a horse. Jackie Gray recently became landlady at the Alexandra Hotel in Jarrow, Tyneside. She says she got a pleasant surprise when carthorse Peggy joined owner Peter Dolan for a pint. The 12-year-old's tipple is a pint of John Smiths and pickled onion crisps.

Mrs Gray said, 'When I bought the pub a few weeks ago I heard rumours that one of the regulars was a horse but I didn't quite believe them. It was a hot day when the horse came in and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'

Mr Dolan, 61, from Jarrow, bought Peggy six years ago and discovered her fondness for the pub when she followed him inside. According to the BBC he said, 'Peggy's no bother at all. Most of the regulars know her as she's been coming in here for years and for them Peggy's a bit of a novelty. She's a proper lady.'

This reminded Will of a horse which drank occasionally in the Clacton Arms, Paulsgrove [demolished for housing] in the late 1960's when John Palmer was landlord.

Non veg jokes | Toast and girlfriend

QUESTION: What is the similarity between burnt toast and pregnant a girlfriend?

ANSWER: In both cases the guy thinks,'It would have been better, if I have taken it out before two seconds!'

Short funny jokes-Christmas Eve

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Computer jokes-Vista

The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:

1. Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)
2. This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?
3. Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
4. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
5. Suggested Action. Emigrate.
6. Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem. This will involve remote execution of the user.
7. The media is corrupt. Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
8. Windows Update Service Problem. Waitress is sick.
9. A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
10. Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
11. An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
12. Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
13. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
14. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
15. Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
16. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
17. User Error: Replace user.
18. No network provider accepted the given network path. In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.
19. Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
20. 'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.
21. This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.
22. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
23. Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete? (N/N)
24. The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'
25. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
26. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
27. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
28. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
29. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
30. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
31. Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
32. Workaround. The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.
33. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
34. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
35. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
36. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
37. We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.
38. Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
39. You can provide feedback by completing the form. However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.
40. Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.

Short adult jokes | James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven. The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no. M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again. "Hello, Mary speaking !"

Funny jokes-Lost hat

Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

Good jokes-Ten Signs of a Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

Really funny jokes-Three fundamental truths

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

Kids jokes-What God looks like

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Sarah replied, "They will in a minute"

Hilarious jokes-Three occasions

Q: What are the three occasions on which an Italian man visits his priest?

A: His first communion. When he gets married. Before his electrocution.

Office jokes-The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Short adult jokes | Priests in shower

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

Funny jokes-Parachutists

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.

The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.

Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"

Really good stuff-Reasons to be single

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

Adult jokes | Height of communication gap

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmadabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? ""Yes...... speaking"AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue ""GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow." "That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks."I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Animal jokes-Virgin wool

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep

Good jokes-All in one

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

Funny jokes-Beggars in London

Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.

Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Javed shows Habib his sign...

It reads:

'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.

Redneck Mom's Letter To Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Hilarious jokes-Ski trip to Utah

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"

Really funny jokes-Run over

Q: What's the difference between a pot of lobsters and a group of Japanese tourists who've just been run over by a steamroller?

A: There's no difference, they're all crustaceans ("crushed Asians").