Funny jokes-Newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

Really funny jokes-wash it again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.'

'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'

Abo jokes-Where's your bin?

A garbage truck stops outside a ramshackle old house in Redfern.
The garbo yells out to the old Abo sitting on the front step: "Hey, where's your bin?"
Abo answers "I've bin in Queensland".
Garbo: "No, where's your wheelie bin".
Abo: "Well, I've weally bin in jail for the last two weeks, but don't tell anyone".

Short funny jokes-Snooker table

Question. How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Answer. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Funny jokes-Travel by train

President of Pakistan, Zardari's son (Bilawal) goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque from a Swiss Bank account saying:

"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

Hilarious jokes-Basketball star

I once read a magazine biography of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted to drugs that he took to crime. Let's call him "Bill" for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighbourhood. The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbour despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said, 'Bill, don't do this, okay?'
To which the player/robber replied, 'Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me.'

Really funny jokes-Airlines with different operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home

Really funny jokes-Isn't that precious

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. "

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??

The first woman then asked her companion, " What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a damn?" I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

Good jokes - Anesthetist

Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.

'What did he say?' asks the nurse.

'OOPS!'

Funny jokes-Water had broken

The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding...
She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.

Kids jokes-garbage collector

I recently asked a friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'

'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector', my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. 'That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career,' I finally managed to reply.

'Well,' said the boy's father, 'he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays'.

Really funny jokes-Lead in prayer

It was an evening church service at St Mark's in the small quiet town of Orson, Maryland, USA, and old Deacon Carrick seemed to be sleeping as he occupied one of the back pews.

In those bygone days, some of the cardinal sins were: chewing tobacco, drinking liquor and playing cards. The message had already been preached, and the reverend was winding up the service.

He said in his usual tone, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But the old deacon was fast asleep.

Then the reverend father said in a little louder and sterner voice, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But still the old fellow still did not respond.

Finally, the vicar shouted, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead?'

This time, the old Deacon jolted awake, and, not realizing where he was blurted out, 'It's not my lead - I just dealt.

Short funny jokes-Use imagination

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

Funny jokes-Sharks in the Ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

Really funny jokes-About parachutes

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him.

In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

Doctor jokes-Dizzy

Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.

Funny jokes-Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments

Here are Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'

Really funny jokes-Basketball team pictures

Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the centre of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year --"62-63";"63-64"; "64-65" and so on.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, she said, 'Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?'

Hilarious jokes-Police Officer in Court

Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Clean jokes-New perspective on Christmas

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"

Really funny jokes-Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'

My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'

My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

Little Johnny jokes-Fart in the classroom

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"

Funny jokes-Pet ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Redneck jokes-Divorced

Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.

Kids jokes-Strange socks

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Good jokes-Fidel goes to heaven

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Really rude jokes-Woman

Q: What's the definition of a modern woman?
A: One who dresses to kill and drives the same way.


Q: Why don't women need drivers licenses?
A: Because there aren't any roads from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Short funny jokes-Vampires

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

Clean jokes-Seeback

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Really funny jokes-Top 10 Signs your family is stressed

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED..

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Animal jokes-Camel with no humps

Q. What do you call a camel with no humps?
A. Humphrey

Funny jokes-Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

Hilarious jokes-Quick wit and intelligence

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'

Clean jokes-Laurel Hardy

Laurel: Hardy, I have recently changed my job. Now I have thousands of people working under me.

Hardy: That's great news. By the way where are you working?

Laurel: I am working on the top floor of the 100 storeyed building.

Really funny jokes-Asleep during Sunday sermon

Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.

The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.

Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'

Blonde jokes-Another drink

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks ...anyone can!"

Good jokes-Less

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, 'Can I have a pint of Less, please?' I'm sorry sir, 'the barman replies,

looking slightly puzzled, 'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'

'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'

Really funny jokes-Fitting in a Volkswagen

Q: How do you fit forty-seven Puerto Ricans in a Volkswagen?
A: Use a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.

Yo mama jokes-So stupid!!

* Yo Mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
* Yo Mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.

Hilarious jokes-Dangerous criminal

A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:

"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".

Birthday jokes-To the doctor

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!

Really funny jokes-Guide to Advanced Nose Picking

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Good jokes-You might be a Caffeine Addict if

You might be a Caffeine addict if...

* Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.

* You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

* You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

* You can't remember the last time you blinked.

* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

* Your dog's name is Folgers.

* You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

Funny farm jokes-Giving away animals

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
---

Funny jokes-Holes in umbrella

Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining.
"Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining".
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it".
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."

Practical jokes-Wave of my hand

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Short funny jokes-To keep an Irishman busy

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides.

Really funny Yo Mama jokes

Yo Mama's So Stupid

* Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.

Blonde jokes-A blonde's password

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

Short funny jokes-Three Wise Women

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!