Clean jokes-Boat painter

A boat painter was awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the owner, a little concerned about the delay, confronted the painter.
"Hey Carl", said the owner, "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my boat and it's been three weeks....What' s up with that?"
The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the owner square in the eye and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".

Kids jokes-Preacher

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a young boy asked his mother what the preacher did the rest of the week.
"Oh he's a very busy man," the mother replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor.... and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't too easy, either."

Short funny jokes-Nature

Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.
Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.

Really funny jokes-Read All About It

Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages.
Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant.
When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her.
Near the bottom of one page she found:
"Bonnie -- What are you looking here for?
Aren't dinner and flowers enough?
Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell.

Clean jokes-Laugh Lines

"Wow, you're sure getting a lot of 'Laugh Lines', aren't you?" a woman asked her co-worker.
"'Laugh Lines'? What are 'Laugh Lines'?"
"You know, those lovely lines in your face that develop if you smile or laugh a lot."
"Oh, that makes sense, then. When you've dated as many clowns as I have, 'Laugh Lines' must be inevitable."

Hindi jokes-Shaadi

Shaadi se pehle shadi ke baad
Shaadi ke pehle ladki: Darling tum nahi toh main nahi… Aur main nahi toh tum nahi!
Shaadi ke baad ladki: Aaj ya toh tu nahi ya main nahi!!

Shaadi aur mobile
Shaadi aur mobile me kya similarity hai?
Sirf dimag me ek hi sooch aati hai ki,
Thode din aur ruk jata to naya model mil jata.

Short funny jokes-Heaven

Sardar's wife: You know, husband & wife aren't allowed to be together in heaven!
Sardar: Yes, I do.That's why it's called heaven!

Really funny jokes-10 Reasons Why God Created Eve!

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see what else is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...

1. When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I know I can do better than THIS!!"

Blonde jokes-Alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Short funny jokes-Burst of thnder

When the grave site service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man said to the Pastor, "Well, she's there."

Short funny jokes-Step ladder

Sign in an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Sardar Jokes-Bar in New York

Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”.
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”.
Sardar says - “Baljith Singh Married”

Sarcastic jokes-Checking antecedents

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men.
After a few days, the politician at last received his detective`s report, which went like this:
"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she`s been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Really funny jokes-Speeding

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Clean jokes-Mess maker

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

Short funny jokes-Orders

Boss: Did you get any orders today?
Salesman: Yes, I got two!
Boss: Congratulations! What were they?
Salesman: "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

Office jokes-Laugh

I joined a new office. The Branch Manager told a few boring jokes but to my surprise, all my colleagues laughed.
After coming out of the cabin, I pulled out my colleague and asked him as to why they were laughing to thr useless jokes. He replied, "If you don't laugh, he will think that we have not understood the joke and repeat the same joke again and again!"

Clean jokes-Fire safety program

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from.
"Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me.
"Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?"
My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs."

Short funny jokes-Nuts

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see your nuts."

Blonde jokes-Greatest invention

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a blonde were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The blonde chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the blonde reverently. "That little bottle -- how does it know"?

Really funny jokes-Mango thief

A bulky boy went to a mango grove with his friends to steal mangoes, because they were convinced that stolen mangoes taste better. All of a sudden, the watchman came out of blue chasing the boys with a rod. Everybody ran helter skelter except our hero as he could not run carrying his own weight. Result: He was caught.
The watchman asked the boy to take him to his father. The boy was trembling and said "No". The watchman asked him to take him to his house but the boy again refused. Then finally, the watchman asked him to show his father at least from a distance. The boy agreed and showed his father who was plucking mangoes on the next tree.

Clean jokes-Potato sacks

Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks . Each of the three hide in one.
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks . He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
'Meow!' says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, 'Stupid cats.'
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ' Woof! '
'Stupid dogs! ' says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack.
The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, 'Potato potato!'

Humor jokes-Weight

A college freshman comes home for Christmas after being away all semester. Her father looks her up and down, then says, "Aren't you a lot fatter than when you went away?"
"Yes I am, Dad," the girl admits. "I weigh 140 pounds stripped for gym."
The father stares at her for a moment in horrified amazement. Finally, he shouts, "Well, tell me this: Just who in the devil is Jim?"

Really funny jokes-Different treatment

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?
Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Financial crisis jokes-Magicians

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "

Really funny jokes-Woman's revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Blonde jokes-Keys

One day there was this blonde that pulled up to a gas station. She filled her car with gas then went to the gas station clerk. Then she asked him for a hanger. The clerk asked her why and she replied that she locked her keys in the car. So the clerk gave the blonde the hanger.
Thirty minutes later the clerks sees the same blonde outside. So the clerk decides to help them out.
The blonde says, “No thanks.”
All of a sudden there was another blonde in the car saying, “A little bit to the left.”

Kids jokes-Following person

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Really funny jokes-Pea

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it.
The doctor says to him, "Well,it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system,you'll have to give them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years,I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really,I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

Humor jokes-Provocative

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. Well, it was working. Some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.
"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music."
And I shot back, "He's just thankful that I didn't go into psychology."

Really funny jokes-Golf partner

On a busy Med floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

Short funny jokes-Eyesight

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,
"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Clean jokes-Single, never married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Rachel's dream

Rachel kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Rachel: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Rachel: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Rachel: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Rachel: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Rachel: It said, "P-U-L-L."

Really funny jokes-Awful time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy. "
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Short funny jokes-Park

What happens when you illegally park your frog?
It gets toad away

Clean jokes-Driving recklessly

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"
The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"

Funny jokes-Ear drops

Angelina brought her baby to a doctor. After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.

In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and Angelina returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
Put two drops in R ear every four hours.

Short funny jokes-Bark

Short funny jokes-Bark
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Clean jokes-Romantic couple

A couple arrived at a beautiful island resort. Sharing a bottle of wine as the sunset over the tropical lagoon, he leaned closer to his wife of ten years and said,
"Honey, would it be good to renew our vows while we're here?"
She responded with a pensive, "Maybe, but I don't know what I'd wear."
He thought a moment and said, "Come to think of it, I don't know what I'd say!"

Kids jokes-Go to Church

After a church service on Sunday morning, our son suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," he said, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen

Really funny jokes-Drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

When asked to paythe bill of $ 57.00, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

Not about to get taken again, the bartender asked sarcastically, "What, no drink for me this time?"The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Short funny jokes-Difference

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
~ Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Funny jokes-Coffee run

Sandra was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Sandra asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" Sandra sighed in relief. "I'll have two regular, two black,and two decaf."

Short funny jokes-Dry cleaning business

A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Funny jokes-Engineering Test

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

Short funny jokes-Never out of bed

What do you call a policeman who never gets out of bed?
An undercover cop

Clean jokes-Courtesy

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
The lawyer says, "No problem."
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

Clean jokes-Christmas for lawyers

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman.
He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.
The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

Short funny jokes-History lesson

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.