Really funny jokes-Short runway

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"

The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"

"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"

Kids jokes-Five stone in two weeks

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it?

The elephant's!

Hilarious jokes-An apple a day

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.

"Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

Finance jokes-Laws of Acounting

Laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will

Really funny jokes-Chewing gum

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

Clean jokes-Running nose

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.

"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

Hilarious jokes-Three hundred years old

There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.

A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.

"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"

"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."

Short funny jokes-Change the baby

Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

Funny jokes-Unbelievable

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

Accountant jokes-Shy and retiring

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
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Really funny jokes-Meteor Crater

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Funny jokes-All you can pick

A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"

"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.

"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."

Accountant jokes

What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

Really funny jokes-Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"