Short funny jokes-Hydrogen atoms

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Really funny jokes-The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

Humor jokes-Super models

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.
"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?
"My wife" said the other with a heavy sigh!

Sports humor-Worst player

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset.
He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

Short funny jokes-Hee haw

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

Kids jokes-Ketchup

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Blonde jokes-Intelligence

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Sardar jokes-Waiter

Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school.
Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?' 'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.'

Hilarious short jokes-A pun my word

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Really funny jokes-Technical support for Husband 1.0

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Woman


DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7..0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Clean jokes-The curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Really funny jokes-Two birds one cone

A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins.
Having bought ice cream cones, they returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.
The man finally figured out what they wanted.
He opened the window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down as they began eating it.
"You're wonderful!" said the girl, "How did you ever think of it?"
"Nothing to it. It was just a case of ... stilling two birds with one cone."

Short funny jokes-Talent

In order to get 100/100 in life, a man requires 100% talent,
Whereas a woman requires only 4% talent & the remaining is only 36-24-36.

Really funny jokes-Hiccups

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."