A matter of principles

When Robbie returned from school, his grandad asked, "What did they teach you in school today?"

"I don't know" replied Robbie, "but the teacher kept talking about principles. I didn't understand one word."

Grandad said, "That's not difficult to understand. I will tell you what it is. Say, I buy stuff at the supermarket, and the cashier gives me more change by mistake, my predicament would be whether to keep it
for myself or follow my principles and give it to Grandma."

Dorothy's treatment

Dorothy visited a shrink and told him, "Whenever I lie down on the bed, I get this mind-numbing fear that something is below the bed."

The shrink said, "I have treated many phobias but this seems to be a unique case. But do not worry, I will help you get rid of it."

Dorothy said, "Thank you. How many sessions will it take?"

The shrink replied,"Probably 20 to 25. It will cost 75 pounds per session but by the end of it, you would be completely cured."

When Dorothy did not turn up for the first session, the shrink called her. "Why didn't you come?", he asked.

Dorothy replied, "When I informed the cost of the treatment to my husband, he found an immediate solution to save the money. He used a saw to cut the legs of the bed."

Want to marry again

Mary Jane says to her lawyer, "I wanna get married to my ex-husband. How can you help me?"

Her lawyer says, "But Mary, it was only last month that you got divorced. Don't tell me you are in love with him again!"

Mary Jane replied, "Love, my foot! He seems to be very happy after the divorce and I am not able to bear it!!"

My client is not guilty

Donald's wife was missing and everyone including his brother-in-law accused him of murder. The case went to court. The body could not be found and the case was getting complicated.

There were several witnesses who were called to testify. Almost everyone spoke about the constant fights between the couple and the deadly threats that Donald had made.Seeing the case getting weaker & weaker for his client, Donald's lawyer, Simmons declared in the court, "I have an announcement to make. Please draw your attention to the door on the right. The woman who is presumed dead will walk in through that door."

There were whispers in the court and everybody looked towards the door.

After a couple of seconds, lawyer Simmons said again to the Jury, "To tell you the truth, no one will be walking in through the door.However, I observed that all of you turned your eyes towards the door, which proves that you are not completely convinced about my client's guilt."

Despite the stunt, the jury declared Donald guilty.  

Lawyer Simmons tried one last time by saying, "How could you pronounce him guilty? You all turned towards the door, didn't you? I proved it to you, didn't I?"

An old guy replied, "There was one person who did not turn towards the door."

Lawyer Simmons asked, "And who is that?"

The old guy said, "Your client!"

Valentine's Day jokes-Little Neil

Neil was just 3 years old when Valentine's Day came along. Knowing how much his mother Sue loved chocolates, he and his dad Peter gifted here a choco box with the shape of a heart.
Next morning, Neil could not help but eye the choco box hoping that he could get a piece to eat. As he touched one of the pieces, Sue said to him, "If you touch it, you got to eat it."

Neil's eyes lit up and he tapped all the chocos in the box and said, "I will have to eat 'em all now!"

The punk

Dan entered the Metro and immediately attracted attention. His hair was spiked and was dyed pink and blue. His clothes were torn. He was wearing his jeans way below the waist. He had a nose ring and several earrings. There were big feathers attached to a bandana that he was sporting.

Dan took a seat across from an old fella who keeps staring at him for a long time.

Agitated, Dan said, "What are you staring at, you old geezer, did you never do anythin wild in your youth?"

The old guy shot back, "Of course I did. I was on a sales trip to Bangkok and I did it to a parrot once. Looks like you are my son!"

Fussy customer

Mrs. Robbins, known to be extremely fussy, goes to D-Mart to buy some fresh fruits.

She says to the girl behind the counter, "I want three kilos of pears. Kindly wrap each pear separately in plastic.

The girl behind the counter silently fulfills the customer's demand.

The lady then checks some apples and says to the girl behind the counter, "I would also like to take 2 kilos of fresh apples. Please pack each apple separately in plastic."

Irritated, yet composed, the girl behind the counter obliges Mrs. Robbins again.

Mrs. Robbins, pointing her finger towards a basket inquires, "And what is there in that basket over that side?"

"Grapes", says the girl behind the counter, quickly adding, "but those are rotten!"

Girl in Casino

I witnessed this when I was with a friend in a casino in Goa.

This pretty Russian girl entered the casino and headed for the roulette table. She flashed a million dollar smile to the two Goan dealers and bet a million Indian rupees in a single spin.

She then purred in a soft voice, "Hope you guys don't object to this, but I get a high when I am betting and I prefer to play without my clothes." Saying this, she shed all her clothes.

The roulette wheel stopped at 17.

The Russian girl was thrilled and jumped screaming, "I won! God, is this my lucky day?!"

She collected the prize, picked up her clothes, hugged both the dealers and vanished.

The two dealers, still dazed by the event, looked at one another, until one of them asked in a squeaky voice, "Did you see what number she had bet on?"

"No, I didn't", said the other, "I thought you were alert!"

Dennis the Tomcat

Mr. Smith, neighbor to the Martins, found that their tomcat named Dennis was running all around the neighborhood, on footpaths, in dark alleys, on the rooftops. Mr. Smith called Mr. Martin and asked, "Is everything all right with your cat? He has been running around like crazy."

Mr. Martin replied, "Nothing to worry. Dennis has been neutered today, he must be running around cancelling appointments."

NatGeo enthusiasts

Two NatGeo enthusiasts, Gary and Robbie, were exploring the jungles, when a big tiger sprang out of the bushes in front of them.

Gary whispered to Robbie, "Stay calm! Don't move."

Robbie asked Gary if he remembered what they had seen about tigers on NatGeo. Gary replied, "Yes, I do. If you stand still and look the tiger in the eye, he will turn around and go away."

Robbie said, "Yes, I have seen it on NatGeo. You have seen it on NatGeo. But has the tiger seen it on NatGeo?"

Quest for fools

There was a ruler of a dynasty who called upon his deputy. When the deputy arrived, the ruler said to him, "I know there are lot of intelligent people in our kingdom. Similarly, there should also be no dearth of fools."

The deputy answered, "I am sure there would be many, sire."

The ruler then said, "I want you to search the kingdom and find me 5 such fools."

The deputy said he would, and left the ruler's court. The deputy was perplexed with the task of finding fools. He wondered how would he ever manage to catch hold of 5 fools.

The deputy returned to the court after four weeks and presented 2 men before the ruler.

The ruler said, "I think I wanted to see 5 fools. Why have you brought only 2 men?"

The deputy said, "Please let me explain, sire. I searched the length and breadth of the Kingdom. I found this fellow carrying a heavy bag of wheat on his head while he was seated in a mule-driven cart. When I asked him why he had not placed the bag on the cart, he replied that it would add to the mule's burden. I realized I had found the 5th candidate in the list of fools and brought him here."

The ruler said, "Good. What about the next guy?"

The deputy continued, "I found this other fellow feeding sweets to his cow so that it delivers sweet milk. I knew I had found the 4th candidate in the fools' list."

The ruler said, "All right. What about the other two fools?"

The deputy replied, "When there are so many social & economic problems to resolve in this kingdom, I am wasting my time looking for fools in this kingdom. Thereby, I am the 3rd fool."

The ruler laughed and said, "Ok, who is next?"

The deputy replied, "When our enemies are knocking at our doorstep,and instead of attending to security issues and issues related to the welfare of the people of this dynasty, you are looking out for fools, that makes you the 2nd candidate in the list of fools."

The entire court went into silence.

The ruler said, "You are right and I appreciate your courage. Tell me, who is the 1st fool?"

The deputy replied, "Sire, when there is so much work to finish at office and at home, the one who is reading this joke leaving aside everything else is the 1st fool!"

Who wants to go to Heaven?

Father John visited a shady bar in the suburbs.

He met a drunk man and asked him, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "Yeah Father."

Father John said, "Then leave this place now and never come back."

He asked another man who was drinking, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "I do Father."

Father John said, "Then go away from this rotten place and take a pledge never to return."

The Father met Bubba and asked, ""Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

Bubba replied, "No Father."

Father John, taken aback by the answer, asked, "Do you mean after your death, you have no desire to go to Heaven?"

Bubba laughed and said, "Of course, of course, but only when I die. You appeared to be on the way right now with the group you are forming."

Jet speed

"Wow", said an eagle to another, "Did you notice that speed of that jet plane? Isn't that something?"

The other eagle, clearly unimpressed, said, "Big deal! You would be flying at the same speed if your tail was on fire!"

Karma

A guy had a racehorse named Karma. Karma had never won a race and his owner was pretty mad about it. There was another race coming up and the owner warned Karma,"If you do not win this race today, you will have to pull a milk-wagon from tomorrow morning."

The race begins, and all horses started off with a bang....but wait a minute, there was Karma, fast asleep at the starting point of the track. The furious owner kicked him and asked, "Why the hell are you sleeping??"

Karma replied, rudely awaken from his slumber, replied "Just resting so I can get up at 4 in the morning."