Cab driver

Tom, Peter and Jack were completely sloshed at the bar. When they decided to head home, they all got into a cab. The driver seeing that they were not in their senses, just turned the engine on and then turned it off after some time without moving the cab.

He then announced that they had reached. Tom pulled out some dollars and gave it to the cab driver. Peter just said thanks & got out of the car. Jack, before getting out, slapper the cab driver hard. The cab driver, not expecting to be caught, was taken aback. He asked, "What was that for?"

Jack said, "If I find you drive this rash ever again, I will report you to the police."

Good deed

Fred was at the doors of Heaven. Before allowing him entry, he was asked a number of questions.

One of the questions asked was if he had done any good deeds.

Fred replied, "Yes, of course. I had chanced upon a gang of ruffians who had accosted a young girl. I ordered them to leave her alone but they just laughed. So, I confronted the gang leader and asked him to get lost with his gang. When he would not listen, I gave him a punch right in his face, then another one into his ribs. I kicked him, pulled his hair and announced, "If you care for your life, leave NOW!"

St. Peter was amazed by the courage of the man and asked him, "When did this happen?"

Fred replied, "Just a few minutes back."

Croc scare

Old Mr. Jones living in the countryside, sent his grandson Nick to the riverside to fetch a bucket of water. When Nick dipped the bucket in the water, he saw what appeared to be a crocodile. Terrified, Nick dropped the bucket and ran back to the house. He said to his grandfather, "I cannot get water, Grandpa. There is a big croc in the river. It scared me to death."

Old Mr. Jones said to Nick, "You can ignore that croc, Nick. He's been around for many years now and I have never heard about the old fella hurting anyone. Maybe he is as terrified of you as you are of him."

Nick replied, "Well, if he is as terrified of me as I am of him, then I don't think the water is good to drink."

Airplane design

A small airplane encounters engine failure and begins to nose-dive. The pilot manages to land the aircraft safely on the ocean. He announces that it is an emergency and that all passengers should remain seated. He further declares that the airplane was designed to stay afloat for an hour provided that the doors are not opened. This would give rescue teams enough time to reach out to help them.

A soon as the announcement is over, one of the passengers, Mr. Gupta, runs to open the door. While the passengers look in horror, the pilot yells at Mr. Gupta, "Please do not do that! Didn't you hear what I announced? This airplane won't sink for a while if the door remains closed!"

Mr. Gupta answered, "Ya ya. This plane is also designed to fly, and we all saw how good it was!"

Flea infested

Mrs. Thatcher was seated at the park when she noticed a man take the leash off his dog so that the dog could roam around freely in the park. She said to the man, "Do you mind keeping the pet next to you, mister. I can already feel a flea in my sneakers."

The man called out to his pet, "Buzo, please come here. That lady has fleas."

Flu

Nick, who was unwell for the entire week, called the doctor to visit him at his home.

The doctor arrived and examined Nick. When the doctor was writing his diagnosis & prescription on his notepad, Nick asked him, "Flu?"

The doctor replied, "No, I drove my car."

Fear of flying

Mrs. Coughlan was boarding an airplane for the first time and she was very nervous. She requested to see the pilot and her request was granted. When she met the pilot, she said, "This is my first time. Please assure me you will bring me down safely."

The pilot amused, replied to her, "I can assure you this, madam, that I have never left anyone up there in my entire career."

Cool junior doc

When Tracy went to see the doctor, she had no idea that she would be in for a big surprise. Dr. Jenkins was out, so a junior doctor examined her. Five minutes into the examination hall, and the junior doctor declared that Tracy was pregnant.

She was so shocked, she ran out of the examination hall.

Just then Dr. Jenkins entered the clinic, and saw Tracy in a hysterical condition.

When Tracy told him what happened, he asked her to sit down and relax.

Dr. Jenkins then marched to the examination room and asked the junior doctor, "Are you out of your mind? Don't you know Tracy is 61 years old, she has two grown-up children and several grand-children.Why did you tell her she's pregnant?"

The junior doctor, who was scribbling something on a notepad, continued to write and answered, "She doesn't have hiccups anymore, does she?"

Disneyland

After our hectic 4-day trip to Disneyland in Orlando, we were headed home. As we drove away, my son Neel sighed and said, "Goodbye Donald!"

My daughter Neha waved her hand and said, "Goodbye Daisy!"

I signed and said, "Goodbye dollars!"

Turbulence

A Boeing plane got caught up in turbulence and the passengers were all scared. To keep the passengers calm, the pilot ordered that they all be served beverages.The first passenger said, "I would like a cola".

When the next passenger was asked what she would like, she replied in a shaky voice, "Just give me whatever the pilot is having."

Bartender's dilemma

Daniel, who had lost his arms in a car accident few years back, walked into a bar. He asked Joe the bartender for a glass of beer. When Joe pushed a glass to him, Daniel said, "Listen buddy, I don't have arms. Do you mind holding the glass up to my mouth?"

Joe obliged.

Daniel said after a while, "Can you please pull out my handkerchief from my pocket and wipe my mouth?"

Joe said "Sure" and obliged.

Daniel finished his beer and said, "Do you mind reaching out into my left pocket for the money."

Joe did as told.

Daniel thanked him and said, "You have been very considerate. Can you guide me to the toilet please."

Joe replied, "Ya, you need to get out of the door, take a right, walk 3 blocks, and then turn left. There's one in the store over there."   

Which side of the bar?

Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced,  "All you people of the left side of the bar are bl**dy idiots!"

There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"

He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"

There was silence in the bar.

He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"

The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."

Old millionaire

Jason, an eighty-eight year old millionaire married a young girl Janie. After a few months, he went to see his doctor and told him that his wife was expecting a baby.

Dr. Smith simply said to him, "I want to share a story with you. A guy who was absent minded went hunting. Instead of his gun, he carried a walking stick to the jungle where he was attacked by a lion. He pointed his walking stick at the lion and shot it, killing it instantly."

"But that's impossible," said old Jason, "Someone else must have shot the lion."

"Exactly my point, " said Dr. Smith.

God's gifts

When I was tucking in my two little children to bed, I said that God had given us eyes so we could see the world. Then I touched my daughter Mary's ears and said that God gave us ears to hear. Touching little Jack's nose, I said that God gifted us nose to smell. Hands to work & eat, and legs to run.

Mary asked, "But Mom, God must have made a mistake with Jack bcoz his nose runs and his feet smell."