Baby pumpkin

A mama pumpkin and a baby pumpkin were on the way to the beach. While they were crossing the street, the baby pumpkin was run over by a speeding car. Mama pumpkin caught a cab and rushed baby pumpkin to the nearest hospital.Baby pumpkin was taken to the operation room and the doctors worked on him for several hours. After what seemed like eternity, Mama pumpkin saw a doctor come out of the operation room.

The doctor said, "The good news is that your baby has survived the operation and will live. But he is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

The cardboard

Jimmy and Desmond were not only best of friends, but they also divorced their wives at about the same time. They swore they will not look at another woman again for the rest of their lives. To lead a life of abstinence, they decided to move to the Himalaya mountains. hey had both saved enough money, so they set off on their journey. At the base of the mountain, they went to a store and asked the store-keeper to pack enough supplies to last them for 6 to 7 months. The store-keeper put together toiletries, stationary, confectionary and other essential supplies. He added a cardboard with a hole in it. The hole was lined with soft cotton.

Desmond asked the store-keeper, "What is this cardboard for?"

The store-keeper replied, "Where you are headed, you will not find any women. This cardboard will come in handy."

"What??", said Jimmy. "We are done with women. We do not need any distractions. We don't want the cardboard."

The store-keeper said, "Just take it. I am not charging you for it now. If you use it, pay for it when you visit me again."

"All right", said Jimmy. They collected all the supplies and headed to the mountains.

Several months went by, and one day, the store-keeper saw Desmond entering his store.

Desmond said, "I want toiletries & eatables to last me another 6 months"

The store-keeper asked, "Where is your partner?"

Desmond replied, "Jimmy? I stabbed him to death!"

"Why???" asked the shocked store-keeper.

Desmond replied, "I caught him screwing my board!"

All occupations contribute

One fine day, the English grammar teacher said to everyone in the class, "Okay kids, all of you will tell me what your parents do for a living. Raise your hands one by one and tell me your parents' occupation."

Tina said her father is a doctor.
Jack said his mother worked with the Government Department handling irrigation
Nancy said her father is an engineer.
Betty said her father is an accountant
It was Bill's turn and he said to the teacher, "My mother entertains men at night."

There was complete silence.
The teacher sent him to the principal, Mr. Jones.
When Bill returned to class, the teacher asked him if he repeated to Mr. Jones what he had told in class.

Bill replied, "Yes, i did."

So, the teacher asked, "What did Mr. Jones have to say?"

Bill replied, "He said that all sorts of jobs contribute to the nation's economy, he gave me a bar of chocolate and wanted to know my mom's number."

The chemical solution

When Nathan came home, he asked his wife Dara, "What is Tim doing?" Tim was their 10-year old son who loved gadgets. Dara told him that Tim was in his bedroom playing with the chemistry set that they had gifted him on Christmas eve. Nathan wanted to check on his son, so he went upstairs to Tim's bedroom. As he got closer to Tim's room, he heard the sound of something being pounded on the wall. When he entered the room, he saw Tim hammering a nail into the wall.

Nathan asked his son, "What are you doing, Tim? Why are you hammering the nail into the wall? Aren't you supposed to be playing with your chemistry set?

Tim replied, "Dad, this is not a nail, its an insect. I prepared a solution from the chemicals and drowned the insect in it. The insect became hard as a nail."

Nathan pondered over it and said, "I'll make you a deal. Give me that solution and I will gift you a PlayStation."

"Deal" said Tim while handing over the solution to his father.

The next morning when Tim went down to the living room, he found a brand new X-Box of the latest version. He asked his father, "What about the PlayStation?"

Nathan replied, "The PlayStation is on the dining table. The X-Box is a gift from your Mom."

Story of a funeral

Michelle went to the City Funeral Home to arrange for her husband Mel's funeral. She told the attendant that she wanted Mel to be dressed in a grey suit when he was buried.

The attendant asked, "Madam, don't you think it would be convenient to let him wear beige suit that he is already dressed in?"

Michelle was sure about what she wanted and told the attendant that her instructions be followed. Money was not a problem.

On the day of the funeral, Michelle finds Mel attired in a grey business suit while he rested in the coffin. She told the attendant it was perfect and asked him the cost.

The attendant replied, "To be honest, there's no extra cost. You won't believe what happened. Immediately after you left, there was another corpse that was brought in, and he had a grey suit on. His size was no different from your husband's size. The other widow didn't have a problem with a beige suit, so I simply exchanged the heads."

An office joke

The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."

He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"

Everybody nodded in the affirmative.

The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"

Loud noises from the hall, "WTF!!"

Family phone

Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.

Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.

Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"

"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."

Very drunk man

A night-patrol policeman noticed a drunk man trying to enter a house. He went up to the drunk guy and asked, "Is this your house?"

"Yesh!", replied the inebriated man.

The night-patrol policeman asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yessh sirr", replied the wasted man."Can you help me open the door, I'll prove it to you."

They went in and the drunkard said, "You see that painting? Belongsh to me!! See that LED TV? Belongsh to me!!"

He then asked the policeman to follow him upstairs.He made his way up unsteadily. He opEned the door and declared, "See the bedd. Belongsh to me. That wooman shleeping on the bed - that's my wife. You see that fellow shleeping next to her. That's meee!"

Baby ships

Tara and her 6-year-old son, Arjun, were on board the Blue Ocean, a cruise service from Bombay to Goa in India. Arjun was excited to be on the deck all day. He asked his mother, "Mom, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and bik sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

Tara, engrossed in the novel that she was reading, and unable to come up with an immediate answer, said to Arjun "Why don't you find the Captain and ask him?"

Arjun ran towards the Captain's cabin and finding him, posed his question,"Sir, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and big sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

The Captain was wise and asked the boy, "Did your mother send you to me with this question?"

"Yes", replied Arjun.

"Well", said the Captain, "Tell your mother that the Blue Ocean pulls out on time."

Angry sheikh

Pete, Harry and Alex were holidaying in Dubai. While shopping in a mall, they came across some beautiful girls and started flirting with them. They had no idea that

the girls were from the harem of a local sheikh who was a tycoon.

All the three men were forced into a Land Rover and taken to the sheikh's palace. When the sheikh's men who had escorted the girls to the mall, narrated what had

happened, the sheikh was mad as hell. The sheikh roared, "I own these girls. You had the audacity to flirt with my girls! You will pay for this.  You will all die in

line with your profession.

With this, the sheikh pointed towards Pete and asked, "What is your profession?"

Pete replied, "I am a carpenter."

The sheikh ordered his men to hammer down Pete's manhood.

Next was Harry and the sheikh asked him, "What do you do for a living?"

Harry replied, "I am a fire fighter"

The sheikh ordered his men to burn his manhood.

The shiekh asked Alex, "What's your line of work?"

Alex looked mighty pleased and said with a smile, "I sell lollipops!"

Long face

The bartender could not help but notice how sad Simon was looking this evening. He asked, "Hey, why the long face? Everything okay at home?"

Simon replied, "Fought with my wife. he swore she will give me the silent treatment for a whole month."

The bartender joked, "C, mon...you should be glad about it. I mean, how many people have the good fortune of not being nagged by the missus for a month?"

Simon said, "The oath ends tonight."

Painted seat

Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.

One way, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom.Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, is was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.

She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."

"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a casing."

Problem solved

Joe Garner goes to see his doctor but is shy to share his problem. Dr. Xarsis helps him relax and then asks him to talk freely about his problem.

Joe hesitates for a moment, then says, "Err...I have trouble performing in bed. My wife is always complaining. Is there something that you can do for me?"

Dr Xarsis says to him cheerfully, "Your problems are a thing of the past, Joe. Haven't you heard about Viagra? It will put to rest all your worries and you will be performing like a tiger!"

The good doctor gives some pills to Joe whose leaves the doctor's clinic with fresh hopes.

A couple of days later, Joe has a chance meeting with Dr. Xarsis at a coffee shop. Joe whispers into the doctor's ears, "That drug is fantastic! I can't thank you enough!"

Dr. Xarsis asks him with a smile, "I am happy for you. What does your wife have to say?"

"Wife?" says Joe, "Uhh...I have not been home yet."

Saving up

Troy Hogan, at the advance age of 72, got married and the marriage was the talk of the town. More so, because his bride was only 26. They checked into a beach resort in Maldives for their honeymoon and the resort was abuzz with gossip.

Next morning, Troy walks into the resort's dining area looking ever so fresh. He ordered a big breakfast and joked with everyone. When his young bride walked into the dining hall after some time, she looked pale and tired. She ordered some tea and that's all she had. She hardly spoke to anyone.

Old Troy left  the dining room, and the waitress, not wanting to miss the opportunity asked her, "The old man looks so refreshed while you look so fatigued. Is everything all right?"

The young girl said, "This man took me for a ride. Before our wedding, he told me he had saved up for 40 years. You can't blame me for thinking it was money he meant,"