Stingy old money lender

Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.

Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"

Tailors will be tailors

Jason Willis thought he had grown too fat for his trousers so he took them to the tailor to have them altered. He was sent on an overseas job the very next day and for the next 4 years, he was posted at his organization's branch in Delhi, India.

When he returned to Melbourne after a good 4 years and what seemed to him an eternity, he discovered the tailor's receipt in his wardrobe drawer. He remembered the trousers he had given to be altered to size 34, so he headed straight for the tailor's shop. Luckily the shop was still there.

Jason gave the receipt to the tailor and said, "Are my trousers ready?"

The tailor, without looking at him, replied, "Yes sir, it will be ready next Friday."

Overweight girl

Adam went to Tito's bar in Goa and saw an overweight girl dancing on a table.

Adam commented, "Nice legs!"

The overweight girl smiled at him and said, "Yeah? You really think so?"

Adam said sarcastically, "Yeah! I mean it. Most other tables would have crashed by now!"

a worthy reply

Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.

Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.

Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have!

Mahabharata woes

Gandhari: “Putra Duryodhan, is yuddh ki samapti ke paschat mujhe Ganga snan ke liye le jana.”

Duryodhan: “Avashya mate, kintu ek samasya hai. Producer ne budget main Ganga snan pass nahin kiya.”

Boys will be boys

Roger was taking a walk with the priest when he said he wanted to share something. The priest asked him to go on and Roger said, "It's about my son. I deal in clothes and I asked him to join my business. Last week, I caught him kissing one of the models."

The priest tried to console him, "It okay Roger. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Boys will be boys."

Roger replied, "I deal in men's clothes."

Where do I live?

I had a Maths teacher, Mr. Vikram,  who was well known for being absent minded. He would keep forgetting things and was often made fun of.

It so happened that he moved to a new home in the next block, and fearing he would forget where he lived, his wife jotted down the new address on a piece of paper and gave it to him when he was ready to leave for school. She reminded him to check the note on the way back from school, so he does not end up going to the old address.

Well, Mr. Vikram had a busy day teaching at school and also, had a meeting with the Principal regarding disciplinary measures and new rules to be introduced. He took notes on the back of the piece of paper his wife had given him, and then handed it over to his assistant for follow up forgetting that his new address was on the other side of the piece of paper.

When he started for home, he didn't remember the new home, as expected, and reached his old residence. When he found the door locked, he remembered the new home and started looking in his pocket for the slip of paper. Not finding it, he started wandering the streets looking for his new home, when he came across a young girl.

He stopped her and asked, "Excuse me, my name is Prof Vikram and I teach Maths. Would you, by any chance, know where I live?"

"Certainly yes, daddy," said the girl.

How did it happen?

Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.

Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”

Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”

Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”

Funny speech

There were two schools-one exclusively for girls and the other only for boys. When the local government passed an ordinance to strictly maintain gender equality, all such institutions had to merge and so did these two schools.

On the opening of the new co education school, the state minister addressed the audience thus:

“Friends, I am aware that some of you may regret the exclusiveness and charm of the old individual schools.  Now I tell you, there are things girls can do and boys cannot and there are things that boys can do that girls cannot. But let me assure you friends, best are the things that girls and boys do together."

In the middle of the night

A recent survey has shown that there is one thing that always rises right in the middle of the night.

Fuel price……

Lawyer joke-Timing of crash

Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”

Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”

Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”

Witness: “Both were state buses.”

Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”

Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”

Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus crashed into which bus first?”

Witness: “They crashed into each other at the same time.”

Drilling rights

Tom was an owner of an oil conglomerate who had married a pretty young thing fifteen years younger to him.

One day, Tom barged into his lawyer’s office and demanded, “I want a divorce!"

The Lawyer asked, “On what grounds?”

Tom replied, "I want to charge her with breach of contract.”

The Lawyer said, “What contract? Your spouse is not your property. She is your wedded wife but you don’t own her.”

Tom said, “Well then, I want sole and exclusive rights to drill.”

Some accident this!

Dean was involved in a car accident. He was driving his car with his pet alongside him on the highway when a truck hit him from behind. The impact was severe. Dean was thrown out of his car on one side whereas his dog on the other. Both were badly injured. Dean sued the truck company and the truck company’s lawyer was cross examining him.

Lawyer: “Dean, didn’t you say to the cop that you were alright at the time of the accident?”

Dean: “It was like this. First I put my dog on the passenger seat…and…..”

The lawyer interrupted: “Yes or no? Did you or did you not say you were OK?”

Dean tried to continue: “After putting my pet in the seat, I started the car and reached the highway……”

Lawyer: “Your honor, this fellow is wasting the court’s time. Immediately after the accident when the cop asked him if he was alright, he said ‘I am alright’ and now he is claiming damages from my client.  I have the cop here to testify.”

The judge said: “I love dogs myself. I would like to hear what Mr. Dean has to say, please proceed.”

Dean: “Thank you, your honor. It happened like this. I put my beloved pet in the side seat and drove my car on the highway. This truck came from behind and hit my car real bad. I was thrown out of my car and severely hurt.  My pet was thrown out from the other side. He too was badly injured. He was groaning and in real bad shape. Thereafter this cop came on the site. He saw my dear dog groan and twist in pain. He commented that the dog’s condition was severe, pulled his gun and put him to sleep to ease him from the pain.

Next thing, he came to me with his gun pointing at me and asked "Are you alright? What was I supposed to say, your honor?”

Who is the boss

Santa was getting married. Night before the D day, Banta told him: “Santa, I am giving you a million dollar advice. You have to kill the cat on the first night itself. Show her who is the boss  around here. Make her follow your commands from day one. Otherwise she will be in charge.”

Santa: “But how do I do that?”

Banta: “Simple. Finish all your sentences with ‘or else…… or otherwise……’ when you ask her to do something. For example say- ‘Wife, bring me tea and make it quick or else…….’ “

Santa took the advice literally. On the very first night he ordered her sternly to bring milk with saffron. Thereafter he made it a habit to order her around and the threat was always there in the air. Even while going to bed he would say: “Come to bed pronto or else…….”

Santa’s wife was a simple and obedient woman. She could not understand Santa’s behavior. But she was intelligent and patient. She wisely decided to wait and watch for a few days and see how things turn. Things didn’t change. Santa continued his behavior and she continued to obey him. After about a month of this she decided that Santa was basically a good man and what he was doing was out of his character. And she decided to act, enough was enough.

One day Santa ordered: “Wife, prepare hot water bath for me ..otherwise…..”

Wife retorted: “Otherwise? Otherwise what?”

Santa was at a loss of words. He said: “Otherwise nothing. I will take a cold bath.”

Wife: “Then do.”

 Santa did and they lived happily ever after.