It's a shame

It was Mona's first date and she was mighty excited about it.

Grandma was very worried though, so she decided to have a little chat with her granddaughter.

She said to Mona, "Mona, my dear, you need to know a few things about guys, before you go for your first date. He will try to give you a smooch, and you may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded her head.

Grandma went on, "You don't know these young boys. Next he will try to squeeze your melons. You may feel good about it, but you need to stop him."

Mona nodded again.

Grandma continued, "He will also try to rub you in the wrong places, you may feel good about it too, but you need to stop him. But above all this, he may try to climb on top of you and have his way with you. You may feel good but you certainly need to stop him! It will bring shame to your family"

After the enlightenment, Mona went ahead with her date. When she returned home, she seemed to be very happy.

Grandma wanted to know all about it.

Mona said to her, "Oh Grandma, I did not let Tom bring shame to our family. When he tried to do all those things you said, I climbed on top of him and brought shame to HIS family!!"

Diagnosis

The professor of psychology at S.D. College, Mr. Andrews was conducting a class on the topic "Manic depression".

During the lecture, the professor posed a question to the class. He asked, "What diagnosis would you have for a person who paces the floor back & forth, pulls his hair, yells at everyone in sight and then goes into a shell crying uncontrollably?"

Betty raised her hand to answer, "It would be a football coach, right?"

Feeling guilty

Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.

She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."

The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."

"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."

Who is your wife seeing?

Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.

Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."

Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."

Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"

Measures

Amy came home crying. "Mom, I am going to have a baby", she sobbed.

Her mom, Dorothy, visibly upset, said to her, "You are only 18. Didn't I ask you to take measures??"

Amy replied, "But I did. I measured them all and chose the one who had the biggest." 

Desert story

Rehman Khan gets lost in the desert. He does not have any food on him and has already licked the last drop of water from his water-bottle two days ago. He is about to give up all hopes of survival when he hears some sounds from the distance.

He listens hard and what sounds like dogs barking, seems to get nearer and nearer.

Rehman Khan tries to lift himself from the ground to take a look at the source of the sound. He is sure he is hallucinating when suddenly, out of nowhere, an Eskimo in a fur coat appears on a sled dragged by snow dog.

He rubs his eyes and takes another look. and sure enough, there is an eskimo standing right over him. He calls out to the Eskimo in a broken voice and says, "Help!".

The Eskimo and his snow dogs surround him and Rehman manages to say weakly, "I have no idea how or why you are here, but Allah be praised. I have been roaming in the desert for days without food and water and I am totally lost."

The Eskimo,wiping the sweat from his forehead, comments, "You think you are lost!!!"

Father Jonathan

Sister Nancy announced as soon as she came into the room where Sister Judy and Sister Martha were sewing clothes,"I was doing some dusting work in Father Jonathan's room and guess what I found. A whole bunch of dirty magazines!"

Sister Judy asked, "What did you do with those magazines?"

Sister Nancy replied, "I tore them up and threw them in the dustbin."

Sister Judy said, "I have something to share too. When I was in Father Jonathan's room to put away the laundry, I found a pack of condoms."

Sister Martha, who was quiet till now, asked, "What did you do with the condoms?"

Sister Judy replied,  "I used a needle to make holes in all of them. Then I put them back where I found them."

Sister Martha fainted.

Great or terrible?

David met his old friend Eduardo after a long time.

David: How have you been?

Eduardo: I dated a girl for 4 years. Her name's Veronica.

David: Ok. What about her?

Eduardo: I married her.

David: Oh! That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She's ugly!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: No, that's great! She is wealthy!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: No, that's terrible! She won't part with a cent!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She bought a big bungalow for me!

David: That's great!

Eduardo: That's terrible! The house caught fire!

David: That's terrible!

Eduardo: That's great! She was in the house.

God's gift

Pastor Graham had a request to make to the congregation. His wife Jany was expecting and he wanted a raise.

So, a meeting was held and it was decided that every time Pastor Graham's family grew, his remuneration would increase.

Years passed by and the good pastor had 7 children. The expense on the pastor's family was becoming a matter of concern for the entire congregation. Three was a lot of discussion on how the pastor's ever-growing family was putting a hole in the church's purse. Also how much more would it cost in the future.

Pastor Graham interrupted the discussion and said, "Children are the Lord's gift, and we shall have as many as He chooses to give us."

There was a pin-drop silence.

A fiery old woman got up and said, "Rain is also God's gift, but when there is too much of it, we wear rubbers."

Round or square?

Sardar Santa Singh's son, Jolly, came home from school and declared, "We had a fantastic Algebra class today."

Santa Singh asked the boy, "Huh, what did you learn?"

Jolly answered proudly, "I know all about Pi R Square now."

Santa Singh reprimanded the boy, "Dont' try to take me for a ride boy. It's a known fact that pies are round!"

Cheese

A group of Pakistanis was touring Europe. They were in a bus passing through the countryside in Switzerland, when the tour guide asked the driver to stop at a cheese farm. The guide wanted to show the tourists how cheese in processed. He pointed out to a herd of goats that was grazing in the hills.

He said to the group, "These goats out there are the older ones who are put to pasture when they can't produce any more."

He want on to ask, "What do you do in Pakistan with your old goats?"

Ali, an old gent said, "We are sent on bus tours!"

No kidding!

Peter visited the church and after the sermon was over, went to meet the Preacher.

Peter said to preacher John, "That was a godam*ed fine sermon preacher. It really made my day!"

Preacher John said to Peter, "I am glad you liked it, but you should not use profanities."

Peter said, "I was so moved by the sermon that I donated $3000 to the church."

Preacher John exclaimed, "WTF! Hope you are not kidding me!"

Talk about age

Dennis, 75 years of age, is a rich widower who is a regular at the Golf Club.

One evening, he turns up at the Club with a gorgeous 20-something hot girl in his arms. All his friends drool over her and can't stop eying her.

While they were munching snacks, one of his friends whispers to him, "Hey Dennis, that sure is one hell of a girlfriend you got yourself! How did you manage to woo her?"

Dennis replies, "Girlfriend? That's my wife!"

The friend can't believe what he just heard. He probes further, "How on earth did she agree to marry you?"

Dennis replies, "I just lied about my age."

The friend asks, "What did you tell her, you were 50 or 55?"

Dennis chuckles and replies, "Nope. I said I was 85."

Who is your well wisher?

Danny: Do you know only a robber is a well wisher.

Sunny: What a weird thing to say? Why so?

Danny: My doc wishes me to fall sick, my lawyer hopes I get on the wrong side of law, the coffin maker wishes that I die. Only a robber will wish that I prosper in life.