Short funny jokes-Good old times

Overheard in a coffee shop:

In the good old times, people used to remove their hats to show respect.
Look at today's generation. They remove their earphones to give respect.

A matter of seconds

Danny quizzes his friend Sandy, "Tell me, what similarities do you find in a burnt toast and your pregnant girlfriend?

 

Sandy answers, "This one's easy. In both cases, you wonder why you did not withdraw couple of seconds earlier!"

Very fat

Mrs. Bubba to Mr. Bubba : You have become very fat.

Mr. Bubba : You have also become very fat.

Mrs. Bubba : But I am going to be a mother!

Mr. Bubba: So what? Even I am going to be a father!!

What are you doing this evening?

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"

Milk and eggs

Little Johnny: A cow gives milk and a hen lays eggs. Tell me who can give both?

Little Tommy: Can't think of anyone.

Little Johnny: The grocery store owner, silly!

Short funny jokes-Rebirth

Patrick, the pervert, is praying hard, "Jesus, if there really is such a thing as rebirth, then I would like to return as a women's bicycle seat."

A score above 100%

Dr. Jones had served many years as an Obstetrician/gynecologist, but he felt he had reached a saturation point. His mind was no longer in his job. He wanted to do something else for the rest of his life. Dr. Jones had a fascination for mechanical things and remembered he enjoyed automotive training in school and, therefore decided to go in for a career change and to become an auto mechanic. He enrolled at an automotive school.

He completed the course and was required to appear for the final exams. The physical exam consisted of taking a car engine apart and then putting it back together. Dr. Jones completed his project and was amazed to receive a grade of 125%. Dr. Jones asked the examiner how could he score a 125%.

"Well," answered the examiner, "I granted you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together and another 25% for doing everything through the muffler"!

Funny jokes-Use of money

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity "Why the hell did you do that?" yells Kurt. "You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!"

Desmond replies, "What...and we weren't?"

Angry boy

The angry boy tells the girl after a night of passionate love-making, "My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names you've been screaming all night!"

The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out anybody else's name during our intercourse. I was just thinking of baby names, if I were to get pregnant.

Really funny jokes-Getting really old

My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting really old after all."

I asked, "What happened'?

Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique auction and four people bid on me!"

An amorous life

Sid left the bar and was on the way home, filthy and smelling like a pig.

He managed to board a bus and slumped next to a nun. Sid was quite a sight - his clothes were dirty and stained with lipstick marks, and every now and then, he took a swig of rum from a hip flask. He opened a magazine and began reading. Then he asked the nun, "Sister, what causes high blood pressure?"

The nun replied sarcastically, "It's the result of leading an amorous life, drinking too much rum, lack of discipline, and disregard for your fellow man."

"Oh my God!" muttered Sid, returning to his magazine.

The nun was felling a little guilty for her outburst and said, "Look, I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you. How long have you been suffering from high blood pressure?"

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Dalai Lama does.

Funny reply

Tom is flirting with Gina. Tom says, "Guess what? They made changes in the alphabets? They put U and I together."

Gina says with a smirk, "Tell me Tom, how many times did you fail in Nursery class?"

Bubba's mistake

Bubba used to be a chemist.
He left for his heavenly abode last week.

How?
Well, he made a blunder. He thought that H2O was H2SO4.

Heart

My family doctor, Dr. Desai is an orthopedic surgeon by profession.
He calls the heart - a soft tissue organ for pumping cefuroxime around the body.