Long and hard

Its long. Its hard. Its something a Bengali guy gives to his bride on their wedding night. WHAT is it?

A last name.

New secretary

Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth looking depressed.

Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"

Gareth said, "You know my wife. She hired a new secretary for me."

Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"

Gareth replied, "Neither. He's bald."

Job satisfaction

Q. What do you do for better job satisfaction?

A. Do only so much work that you feel you are paid more than you deserve!

Set a good example

Rohan who was in high school asked his pretty history teacher, Sara, out on a date. She agreed and they went to a nice restaurant.

Rohan offered her beer but Sara refused saying, "I am a teacher and I am expected to set a good example for my students. What do I say to my students if they learn that I drink?"

Rohan offered her a cigarette but Sara refused again saying, "What am I supposed to say to my students when they learn that I smoke?"

On their way back, they passed by a motel, and Rohan said to her, "What about going into that motel and having a good time?"

Sara agreed immediately.

Rohan said, "so what will you tell your students when they learn about this?"

The history teacher replied, "Something that I always tell them. You don't need to drink or smoke if you wanna have a good time!" 

Funny jokes-Strange request

Sammy went to a carpenter and said, "I need a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long. You think you can make it?"

"Well..." mused the carpenter. "I can do it....but I wonder what would you want a box like that for?"

"It is like this," said Sammy, "my friend moved to a new neighborhood and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

The other woman

During the proceedings of a court case, the lawyer asked the woman in the witness stand, "Ms. Maira, the defendant's wife has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Do you admit that you went to the Crescent hotel with Mr. Jones?"

"Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it."

The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?"

Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me."

The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?"

"Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."

With all my love

A jeweler was approached by his regular client, Mrs. Havers with a strange request.

Mrs. Havers, who was divorced, asked the jeweler to make two earrings from her inscribed wedding band - while one earring read 'with all', the other one read, 'my love.'

The jeweler was curious and asked her why she wanted it like that.

Mrs. Havers replied, "Its only to remember that the next time someone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and out the other."

Out of bed

Laura, the hooker, went to see the doc, as she was not feeling too well lately.

Guess what advise the doctor gave her.

The good doctor asked her to stay out of bed for 3 days.

Short funny jokes-Returned

Dr. Herbert called Mrs. Hanks and said, "Mrs. Hanks, your check has returned."

Mrs. Hanks commented, "So has my back pain."

No need

Alex, the shepherd heads to town to buy supplies for his sheep.
While loading up his pickup, he sees Alice, the hooker.

"Hello sweety," he asks, "so what are you charging these days?"

"Hundred bucks," Alice replies.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," Alex spit out in disgust.

"Of yeah?" she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

Doctor jokes-Shots

Dr. Jones enters the student classroom and starts shouting, "Tetanus! Insulin! Booster!"

One student asked another, "What the hell do you think he is doing?"

The other student replied, "Calling the shots."

Missing the bus

What did Rachel do when she missed her bus number 70?

Well, she simple rode bus number 35 twice.

Question to dentist

Dorothy went to visit her dentist with broken teeth. While she was seated on the dental chair, she asked the dentist, "Before you start working on me, I have a question. Will I be able to play the Saxophone when you are done?"

The dentist replied patiently, "Of course you will!"

Dorothy exclaimed , "Oh wonderful! I couldn't play a note before!"

The fussy customer

Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery.

"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.

"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"

Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"

The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."

Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."

"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."

"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."

The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."

So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.

The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"

"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."

"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"

So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.

Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."

"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."

"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."