Profile pic

A mother says to her teenaged daughter, "Hey, where are you going all dolled up?"

The teenaged daughter replies, "To the washroom. Need to upload a new FB profile pic."

Sportsman spirit

During the game of cricket, Coach Rogers called aside little Dave and asked him, "Tell me Dave, you you understand the words co-operation and teamwork?"

Dave nodded in the affirmative.

The coach asked again, "Do you agree that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

Dave nodded in agreement.

Coach Rogers continued, "Then I am sure you would agree that when a batsman is given out, he shouldn't shout at or argue with the umpire, or call him names. Do you agree to that?"

Little Dave nodded in the affirmative again.

Coach Rogers went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another kid gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsman-spirit to call your coach "a moron or

lunatic" is it?'

Dave shook his head 'No'.

"Good", said coach Rogers, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

Second coming

Nikita went into confession and declared, "I'm pregnant."

The priest asked, "How did you get pregnant, my child?"

Nikita answered, "It must have been the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

Nikita replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

Hilarious jokes-Perfect opening

Tommy applied for a job with the Chinalink building society. He meticulously completed the application form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge, who studied it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you."

"Great!" Tommy replied.

"It’s called the door" the Officer-in-charge said sternly "Now get out".

Cool it with Beer

Once Dean and Martin came to Martin’s house and heard some noises in Martin’s bedroom upstairs. Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door. They found his milkman in bed with Martin’s wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.

Martin was shaking with rage. He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean. Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin’s rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”

Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”

Hilarious advertising Goof Ups

Advertising Goof Ups

Girl wanted to assist a magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Really funny jokes-Simple exercises for Keyboard jockeys

Some tips for people who hate to exercise.

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

Home layout

An architect from Bangladesh was visiting India.

An Indian friend of his took him home and showed the Bangladeshi guy around the house.

"This is the living room," said the Indian guy. "This is the dining hall, this is the store room, this is the children's bedroom, this is the master bedroom, this is the kitchen, the bathroom, the lavatory" and so on...

The Bangadeshi architect commented, "I liked the layout".

The Indian friend asked, "So, what kind of layout do you have in Bangladeshi homes?"

The architect from Bangladesh replied, "Well, it's pretty much the same, only there are no partitions."

Employment clause

When Tina returned from  a job interview, her boyfriend asked her how the interview went.

"Went well," said Tina, "but if I take up the job, I won't get a vacation until I get married."

Her boyfriend said, "Never heard of a clause like that! What exactly did they tell you?"

Tina replied, "The application read: 'Vacation cannot be taken until the candidate completes her First Anniversary.'"

Adult jokes-Focus

Anna and Elsa are two Swedish maids who go to the market to get their photograph taken.

Anna asks Elsa, "Why is this guy looking at us in a strange way?"

Elsa said, "He needs to focus."

"Really?" says Anna, "but you tell him he should take the photograph first."

A favor!

The other day, I was jogging at Marine Drive in Mumbai, when I saw a parked car with a sticker saying "I miss Bihar".
(Bihar is the crime capital of India).

So i picked up a stone and broke the window, removed the stereo system, punctured the tyres and left a note saying "This should help!"

Short funny jokes-Headache

Dan: How is your headache?

John: She is at her mother's.

Big boy

Adam and Dana were onbserving their new born baby boy.

"Look at the size of his thing, he sure is BIG!" said Adam.

Dana said to him in a consoling voice,"Yes sweetheart, but he does have your eyes."

Adult jokes-Loose character

Derick was on his first date with Gina who was known to be a "loose" character.

Once he parked his car, they indulged in foreplay and Gina seemed to like it.  As the heat was building up, he put his hand inside her knickers.

She seemed to be loving it, but suddenly cried, "Ahh, your ring is hurting me!"

Derick replied, "not my ring, that's my watch."