Really funny jokes-Women and gossip

Rita noticed that her friend, Julie, who was standing at a distance, was having a conversation with another friend. Judging by their gestures, Rita suspected that the conversation involved a secret.

When the other woman left, Rita walked up to Julie ans asked "What did she tell you?"

"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said Julie.

"All right," Rita sighed.

Immediately, Julie whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"

Short funny jokes-Phone number

Guess what happened when I requested an economist to give me his phone number - i got an estimate.

Clean jokes-English Channel

Mrs. Kapoor, the English teacher asked a student in class, "Rahul, where is the English Channel?"

Rahul replied, "No idea Madam, our television doesn't pick it up."

Discourage business

When Peter found that his printer was giving faded prints, he took it to a local repair store dealing in computers and printers. A friendly guy at the counter told Peter that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. The counter guy further said that the store charged $40 for such services, and therefore, it would be a better idea for Peter to read the printer's manual and try doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his openness, Peter asked, "Is your boss aware that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the guy at the counter replied sheepishly. "We make a lot more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things on their own first."

Short funny jokes-Zebra crossing

A policeman at a traffic junction noticed a jay walker and decided to catch him.

The policeman said, "Can you explain why you are trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 25 meters away?"

'Well,' replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."

Warning Signs that you are spending too much time Online

Warning Signs that you are spending to much time Online 

# Tech Support calls "YOU" for queries.

#. When an office colleague shares a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

# You discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.


# You like to have your lunch in front of the computer.

# Your children are used to eating cereal in all their meals.

# When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "screaming" at you.

# When at work, your senior frequently reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

# You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.

# You discontinue talking in full sentences.

# You fail to type with proper capitalization or punctuation.

# You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.

# You dream in codes.

# You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name close to your own.

# You are confused as to who you are, having changed your screen names so many times.

# You say "Scroll up" when a friend asks, "What did you say?"

One line jokes-Contortionist

The show host declared to the packed audience that he would be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who said he could no longer make ends meet.

Really funny jokes-Victim’s relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.

Kids jokes-Sales call

Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales call and a little kid answers the phone.

Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?

Little kid : She is not at home.

Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?

Little kid: Ya, my sis.

Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?

Little kid: All right.

There was a long silence. Then:

Little kid: Hello?

Dean: Oh, it’s you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Little kid: I tried. The trouble is, I can’t get her out of the playpen.

Funny jokes-Huge wife

Dave said to his friend Peter, "My wife is so huge, she was relaxing on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in."

Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got to hear about my wife then. She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."

One line jokes-Intoxicated

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Really funny jokes-Expected apology

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Blood flow

A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”

A back bencher replied: “May be because your feet are not empty?”

Adult jokes-Don't overdo

A twelve year old boy was charged for raping a twenty year old girl. It was an open and shut casew. There were many witnesses to testify the incident. There was no one to defend the boy. After a few hearings the judge was certain to announce the boy guilty that final day. 

A lady advocate took pity on the boy and decided to defend him, though the case was as good as lost. She thought, at least the kid would have some solace that somebody tried to save him. She argued the case as best as she could but she knew that it was futile. Not one to give up easily, she requested the judge: “Your honor, I have one more point to prove the boy’s innocence. But I don’t want the boy to be embarrassed in front of so many people. Already the boy has gone through so much. I request Your Honor to see the evidence in the privacy of your chamber. We don’t mind the prosecutors accompanying us.”
 

The judge agreed. In the chamber, the lady unzipped the boy’s pants, took out his limp membrane, shook it vigorously and said: “See Judge, how on earth, a kid so small, can rape a twenty year old woman? He can’t even get an erection.” 

And she went on to shake the boy’s tool again to prove her point. The boy whispered: “Madam, don’t overdo it. We will lose the case.”