Sunday, October 6, 2013

Really funny jokes-Library

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either a) say "Ooo. Nice book." or b) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You’re one of THEM!"

6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déjavu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (? and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Short funny jokes-Hole in umbrella

Brenda asked her friend Dara, "Why did you cut a hole in your new umbrella?

Dara replied, "How else am I supposed to know when it stops raining?"

Friday, October 4, 2013

Clean jokes-Oldest lady

India's oldest lady is 113 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How is that possible?

She's lost it all - is completely bald!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Short funny jokes-Cross the road

Laurel: I am sure you don't know the answer to this one - why did the Tyrannosaurus rex cross the road?

Hardy: Easy, that's because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Kids jokes-Learn to spell

Little Tina (sobbing): Mommy, I will never learn how to spell.

Little Tina's mom: Why is that?

Little Tina: The class-teacher keeps changing the words.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Economist jokes-Forecast

"In my opinion," joked Professor Dhar in my MBA class who was teaching us Macroeconomics, "there are two types of Economists - the first category consists of those who cannot forecast interest rates, and the second category comprises of those who do not know that they cannot forecast interest rates."

Monday, September 30, 2013

Hilarious jokes-How cold?

Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.

The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."

Robert asked, "How cold is it?"

Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Funny jokes-No charge

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."

The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Friday, September 27, 2013

Really funny jokes-Smart reply

John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.

John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."

Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"

John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"

"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.

John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."

"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.

John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.

When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Perfume brands

Tina, who is in her teens, goes shopping in a mall in Dubai.

As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell. So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.

"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Funny jokes-White collar crime

Peter, a stockbroker was convicted and sent to prison for a financial scam involving millions of dollars. He panicked when he saw his cellmate, who looked like a hardened criminal.

Sensing his nervousness, Peter's cellmate said, "There's nothing to worry. I am been jailed for a white collar crime too."

"Oh, that sure is a relief" sighed Peter. "I was convicted for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh, my crime is simpler" grinned the cellmate. "I just butchered a bunch of priests."

Monday, September 23, 2013

Humor-Words

Reasearch says that a man speaks 25000 words a day while a woman speaks 30000 words.

The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.