Celebrity jokes-Doughnuts for Bob Marley

Chike says to his Friend Akono, "Guess how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?"

Akono guesses, "With Chocolate flavor?"

Chike replies, "Wi' jam in! ('We jammin')"

Nervous expectant fathers

There are 4 impatient men nervously pacing the floor of a nursing home, waiting for their wives to give birth.

A nurse comes of the delivery room and says to Robert, the first expectant dad, "Congratulations, you've twins!"

Robert says excitedly. "Oh! What a coincidence, I work at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the second expectant father, Mike, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!"

"Wow!! What an amazing coincidence!" says Mike "I work for 3M."

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the third expectant father, Jason, "Congratulations! Your wife has got quadruplets!"

Jason exclaims, "Oh my God! This has to be some coincidence. I work at Four Seasons Hotel!"

Meanwhile, Kumar, the fourth expectant father seems to be worried and breaks into a sweat.

The other 3 fathers ask him, "What's the matter? Why are you so worried?"

Kumar replies, "Well.... I work at Seven-Eleven!"

Hyderabadis in Heaven

The Indian city of Hyderabad is famous for it's culture and etiquette of it's inhabitants. There is a joke on Hyderabadis (Residents of Hyderabad) :

Why aren't there any Hyderabadis in Heaven yet?

Because they are all standing at the gates, saying to each other: "Pehle aap" ("After you" in Hindi), "Nahee, pehle aap" ("No, I insist after you.")

Cow dispute!

Dean and Martin lived in the country and owned small farms. One day, one of Dean's cows entered Martin's farm and Martin began to claim that it was his cow.

A fight broke out between the two. Dean went to town and came back with a lawyer so that the lawyer could assess the situation.

Dean took the lawyer to Martin's farm and again there was a quarrel. Dean started pulling the cow by the tail, while Martin was pulling the animal by the horns. Suddenly the lawyer could not be seen. He was found lying on the ground milking the cow.

Dining experience

Sara: I had a dream last night. I was on the Moon dining in a restaurant.

Tina : Oh really? How was the food?

Sara : The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

Moving in with Mother-in-Law

When the doctor told Jim he had only 8 months to live, Jim was heart-broken and inconsolable. When he finally got a hold on himself, he met his old pal, Derrick in the pub and told him all about his appointment with the doctor.

Jim said to Derrick, "I have decided to move in with my mother-in-law."

Derrick asked with surprise, "Why is that?"

Jim replied, "Living with her for 8 months will seem like forever."

Military wisdom

Military wisdom

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you.... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

Heart beat

Rita: What can you do to increase the heart beat of my 65-year-old husband?

Anita:Tell him he looks handsome.

Dealing with unwanted calls

Tina says to her friend, Mick, "I am tired of these marketing calls and promotional offers that I keep getting on my cellphone."

Mick says, "You should follow my idea. Every time I get such a call, I answer 'This is the local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?'"

A very embarrassing moment

Jim and Clara had invited an old friend to their home for dinner.

When dessert was served to the guest, Clara apologized for not having any cheese to go with the apple pie.

Hearing this, their little son, Jack slipped down from his chair and disappeared, then returned in a minute with a small piece of cheese. He shyly placed on the guest’s plate.

“Thank you, young man,” said the guest as he popped the cheese in his mouth, “That must be the last piece you found. Where did you find it?”

Flushing with pride, little Jack answered, "Oh it was in the mousetrap."

Not that far!

Class teacher: “Children, we going to have a lesson on the sun tomorrow. Everyone must attend.”

One small boy: “Miss, I can’t.”

Teacher: “Why is that?”

The little boy: “I am sure my mother will not allow me to go that far without her.”

Skipping helps!

Tina and Carla are discussing weight loss.

Looking at her overweight friend, Tina comments, "You know the best way way to lose weight is by skipping..........................fried snacks and dessert."

Buzzer for the blind

Tina was walking down the street with her boyfriend. When the stoplight on the corner buzzed indicating it was safe to cross the street, while crossing the road she asked her boyfriend, "What is the buzzer for?"

Her boyfriend explained, "Well, it signals blind people when the light is red."

Horrified, she responded, "Why the heck would blind people drive??"

Grandpa's learnings

Grandpa's learnings

#*# I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

#*# I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

#*# I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

#*# I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.