Short humor jokes-Bank tellers

Tom: Do you know why bank tellers are advised not to ride motorcycles?

Jerry: Why is that?

Tom: Because they are likely to lose their balance.

Funny jokes-Diet plan

My wife is overweight and has taken up a diet plan. Though I try and avoid desserts myself, I could not resist an ice-cream I saw in the refrigerator on a Sunday evening.

My wife retorted, "You know what is the most difficult part of my diet plan? It is not watching what I eat, it's watching what you eat."

Three knots

Gordon, an old and retired sailor, had been feeling the urge to see a woman. So, putting on his coat, he headed for the house of ill-repute. He found a woman to satisfy his needs for the night. She took him up to her room, and Gordon was having a go at it as best as he could for a guy his age.
Suddenly, he stopped and asked, "How am I doing?"

The woman replied, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

She replied, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Photographer with a dog

Mark the photographer has a dog with one leg missing. You know what he calls his dog?

Tripod.

Really funny jokes-A philosopher's dream

A philosopher once had the following dream.

First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.

Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.

Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.

After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.

The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say."

Grandfather's remark

Whenever I take my grandfather to an antique shop, I always get to hear him make the same remark, "Ohmigod, I've seen them before!"

Really funny jokes-Indecent exposure

Mary calls the police and informs them that her next door neighbor was indulging in indecent exposure.

When a cop arrived at her place, she told him, "This guy is taking a shower with the window wide open. You can see for yourself from my bedroom window."

Mary points toward the neighbors bathroom window.

The cop take s a good look and says, "Well, I can only see the top of his shampooed head."

Mary yells, "If you just put a chair on that dresser and stand on that, you will see the whole of him!"

Wife renovating house

Gary asks his neighbor, "What should I do while my wife is renovating the house?"

The neighbor answers, "Keep yourself busy. If you are able to work with tools, you can complete the basement. When you're done, you'll at least have a place to live."

The reprimand

An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.

"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.

"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"

A day of significance

Fred was down in the dumps. When his friend Justin asked him what was wrong, Fred replied, "This day has a lot of significance for me. It was on this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and kids. . . .I'll never forget that game of poker..".

Valet parking

The other day, my Grandpa was telling me that he always uses valet parking.

When I asked why, he replied that valets at least remember where they park your car.

Sardar jokes-Parkinsons

Sardar Santa Singh was asked: "Given a choice, what would you choose: Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

Thinking for a moment, the sardar replied, "I would choose Parkinsons. It's better to spill half a peg of whiskey than to forget where you kept the bottle."

Philosophical question

My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.

For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"

This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.

But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!

Criminal record

An Indian visitor, Rahul was stopped by customs at Shanghai airport in China and asked if he had a criminal record.

Rahul replied sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't realize you still have to have one to get in!"