Hilarious jokes-Dressing room conversation

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room getting ready for the match. Just before the game, Roy Keane walks in.

"Boss," he says, "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says David Beckham. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

Really funny jokes-Reservations for a table

James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

Hilarious jokes-Married a Gorilla

Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, ‘Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!’

‘Good God,’ says the other. ‘That’s a bit queer.’

‘Oh no,’ replies the first explorer. ‘It was a female gorilla.’

Really funny jokes-Shoe blues

One evening after office, I drove my secretary home since her car would not start. I decided not to bother my wife, Jane, so did not mention it to her.

Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when the I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my window.

We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'

Hilarious jokes-Job application

Bubba applied for a job and had to answer the following in the application form:
"List your high school and when you attended."

Bubba promptly replied : Central High, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

Really funny jokes-Dad's little trick

My brother, John, and his wife, Rebecca, had just finished tucking their children into bed when they heard crying sounds coming from the kids' room. They rushed into the room and found little Suzie crying hysterically.

She had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and believed she was going to die. No amount of convincing would console her. Trying to calm her, John took out a 5p coin that he had in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Suzie's ear. Suzie was delighted beyond words and in a flash, snatched the coin from her father's hand, swallowed it and insisted cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

Funny jokes-Parade Day

On the Parade Day each year, the Swedes stand in line on the right side of the road to witness the parade whereas Norwegians stand on the left side. After the parade the Swedes throw firecrackers to the Norwegians and the Norwegians light them and throw them back at the Swedes.

Eye doctor

Sandra visited an Ophthalmologist for her eye check up.

The doctor asked her to read some letters with her left eye while asking her to keep the right eye covered.

Sandra was so confused on which eye was which that the frustrated eye doctor took a paper bag, made a hole in it, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
 

He saw that Sandra had tears in her eyes.
"Hey," said the Ophthalmologist, "there's no need to get sentimental about getting glasses."

"Its not that," said Sandra, "Well, I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

One line jokes-Front of car

Zen speak:

One who runs in front of car gets tired, one who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Stop playing Golf

Albert: "My doctor advised me to stop playing golf".

Ron: "Why is that? Did he look at your elbows?"

Albert: "No, just my scoreboard."

Funny jokes-First wife

Tracy, whose husband died, was married again to a widower.

At a party, her nosy friend Linda commented, "Tell me Tracy, like all men who have been married before, does your husband mention his first wife in his conversations?"

Tracy replied, "He does not. Not anymore."

Linda asked, "So why did he stop?"

Tracy said with a smile, "I started mentioning about my next husband."

Hilarious jokes-Hollywood bride

Donna, the Hollywood actress had a puzzled expression as the young groom carried her across the threshold.

As soon as he lowered her, Donna asked, "This place seems to be familiar. Have we been married before?"

Very funny jokes-Improvements in English

Authorities in Europe made an announcement - It was agreed that English be adopted as the preferred language for European communications, as opposed to German, which was the other choice.

There were fierce negotiations, in which The Queen's Govt admitted that English spelling needed improvement, and accepted a three-year phased plan called EurEnglish (Eurin for short). The details follow:

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c" ' Sertainly, sivil servants will be happy to reseive this news. Also, the hard "C" will be replased with "k", klearing up konfusion, and typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph " will be replased by "f" This will make words like 'fotograf' a lot shorter.

Very soon, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible, Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in th languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

After that by the end of the second year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th " by "z", and "w" wiz "v".

During ze third year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords Containing "ou". and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl Zer vil be no mor trubls or diftkultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

You have been promoted!

Justin was driving to work when his mobile phone rang.

It was his boss, Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins informed Justin that he had been promoted.

Justin drove a mile further and the phone rang again. This time it was the Managing Director, Mr. Berton, who informed Justin that he had been promoted to the boss's job.

After some time, the phone rang once again and the call was from Mr. Bell, the Chairman, and he said that Justin had been promoted to Managing Director.

Just then Justin lost control and crashed into a tree.

When the cops arrived and asked what happened, Justin replied he just careered of the road.