Really funny jokes-Never tasted

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whiskey in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

Short funny jokes-Alien's mother

What did the alien's mother say to the alien?

Where on earth have you been!

Adult jokes-Life on the Moon

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.

"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as a earth women?"

"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"

"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?"

"Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.

"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"

Clean jokes-Seagulls

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Really funny jokes-The family way

Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

Animal jokes-A Snail's tale

A snail is crossing the road. As he’s about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconscious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened.

The snail replies, ‘I don’t know, it all happened so fast!’

Really funny jokes-So lazy

Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he’d probably ask someone to help him to the floor.

Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.

Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.

Harry works almost every day. He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday, he almost works on Wednesday.

Good jokes-No talk

One friend: “My wife didn’t talk to me after I presented her with a diamond ring.”

Another friend: “Is that so? Your wife must be foolish.”

First friend: “It was a deal. She wouldn’t settle for a gold ring.”

Really funny jokes-Never say no to customer

The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’

The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’

The nurseryman nods.

‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager.

‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.

Funny jokes-Procrastinate

Boy to father: ‘What does “procrastinate” mean?’

Father: ‘I’ll tell you later.'

Hilarious jokes-Only child

Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her u are the only child?"

"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

Clean jokes-Bonsai tree grower

Did you hear about the successful bonsai tree grower?

He got so good he ended up looking for a house with a smaller garden.

Really funny jokes-Neck size

One lady to a salesman in a shop: “I want to select a shirt for my husband, can you help me?”

Salesman: “Sure madam, it is my pleasure. What would be the size of your husband?”

Lady: “Err….. about size, I don’t know. But yes, his neck fits perfectly in my hands.”

Funny jokes-Distracted jockey

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen Scotch eggs. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the final furlong, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of Chardonnay and a Bakewell tart. Thus distracted, he only manages second place. Furious he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he’s been seriously hampered.