Clean jokes-Seagulls

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Really funny jokes-The family way

Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

Animal jokes-A Snail's tale

A snail is crossing the road. As he’s about to get to the other side a turtle runs him over. The paramedics transport the unconscious snail to hospital. The doctors work to revive the snail and, when he awakens, the doctor asks him what happened.

The snail replies, ‘I don’t know, it all happened so fast!’

Really funny jokes-So lazy

Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he’d probably ask someone to help him to the floor.

Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn’t pick it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.

Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.

Harry works almost every day. He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday, he almost works on Wednesday.

Good jokes-No talk

One friend: “My wife didn’t talk to me after I presented her with a diamond ring.”

Another friend: “Is that so? Your wife must be foolish.”

First friend: “It was a deal. She wouldn’t settle for a gold ring.”

Really funny jokes-Never say no to customer

The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’

The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’

The nurseryman nods.

‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager.

‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.

Funny jokes-Procrastinate

Boy to father: ‘What does “procrastinate” mean?’

Father: ‘I’ll tell you later.'

Hilarious jokes-Only child

Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her u are the only child?"

"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

Clean jokes-Bonsai tree grower

Did you hear about the successful bonsai tree grower?

He got so good he ended up looking for a house with a smaller garden.

Really funny jokes-Neck size

One lady to a salesman in a shop: “I want to select a shirt for my husband, can you help me?”

Salesman: “Sure madam, it is my pleasure. What would be the size of your husband?”

Lady: “Err….. about size, I don’t know. But yes, his neck fits perfectly in my hands.”

Funny jokes-Distracted jockey

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen Scotch eggs. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the final furlong, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of Chardonnay and a Bakewell tart. Thus distracted, he only manages second place. Furious he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he’s been seriously hampered.

Clean jokes-Snail at doorstep

A man hears a knock on his back door and goes to answer it. There’s no one there but the man notices a snail on his doorstep so he kicks it to the bottom of his garden.

Five years later there’s another knock on the door. The man answers it to find the snail on his doorstep again.

‘Hey!’ says the snail. ‘What the hell was that about?’

Hilarious jokes-Positive effect

A man who was doing a research on different kinds of books and their effects on people, asked a lady: “Madam, tell me, which is the book that has a positive effect on your life?”

Lady: “My husband’s cheque book.”

Really funny jokes-Penny for your thoughts

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"