Funny jokes-Distracted jockey

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen Scotch eggs. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the final furlong, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of Chardonnay and a Bakewell tart. Thus distracted, he only manages second place. Furious he immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he’s been seriously hampered.

Clean jokes-Snail at doorstep

A man hears a knock on his back door and goes to answer it. There’s no one there but the man notices a snail on his doorstep so he kicks it to the bottom of his garden.

Five years later there’s another knock on the door. The man answers it to find the snail on his doorstep again.

‘Hey!’ says the snail. ‘What the hell was that about?’

Hilarious jokes-Positive effect

A man who was doing a research on different kinds of books and their effects on people, asked a lady: “Madam, tell me, which is the book that has a positive effect on your life?”

Lady: “My husband’s cheque book.”

Really funny jokes-Penny for your thoughts

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's about time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Short funny jokes-Karate expert

My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert who joined the army.

The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Funny jokes-Native American

A Native American takes a trip to New York. He gets lost and asks a traffic cop for directions. The cop points him the way then says, ‘And how are you enjoying our fine city?’

The Native American says, ‘It’s great. And how are you enjoying our fine country?’

Kids jokes-Digging potatoes

A small boy is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes.

‘What I want to know,’ he says, ‘is why you buried the damn things in the first place.’

Really funny jokes-Twitter addict

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Twitter addict:
“OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says:
“The good news is, you’ve got only 24 more hours to live.”
Twitter addict:
“Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says:
“The bad news is, Twitter is down.”

Hilarious jokes-Scottish husband

Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Really funny jokes-Hit with a maple leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’

‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury,’ said the lawyer.

‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.’

One line jokes-Dumber

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

Short funny jokes-Hippie

How do you get a hippie out of the bath?

Turn on the water.

Hilarious jokes-Scarecrow

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,’ says the wife.

‘What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?’ asks the husband.

‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But Mother’s arms are getting tired.’

Funny jokes-Angry Indian

A man traveling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar. He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he’s blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t stop calling me names, I’ll smash your face in!’