Finance jokes-Secret algorithm

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was skeptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It is rather easy. I have two kids, four and six year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number eleven."

"But, four and six is ten," the analyst protested.

"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Kids jokes-Curtains

"Close the curtains," came the order from my two year old son who was sitting in a pool of bright light.  "The sun's looking at me too hard."

Clean jokes-Actual answers given on Family Feud

Actual answers given on Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

Something you open other than a door - Your bowels

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Funny jokes-Glutton

Q. What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?

A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

Really good stuff-Silly warnings

Silly Warnings

1) 'Do not iron while wearing shirt'

2) Warning label on a letter opener that says: 'Caution: Safety goggles recommended.'

3) Fuel Tank Cap: 'Never use a lit match or open flame to check the fuel level'

4) A cartridge for a laser printer warns, 'Do not eat toner'

5) A label on a hair dryer reads: 'Never use hair dryer while sleeping'

6) A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: 'This product not intended for use as a dental drill.'

7) On a child's buggy: 'Remove Child Before Folding'

8) A label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: 'Do not put child in bag.'

Intelligent

What's blonde with big eyes and intelligent?

A golden retriever.

Office jokes-Things that sound dirty at Work but really aren't

It is best to watch what you say in the workplace. However, if you find yourself saying any of these phrases, not to worry. They may sound risque, but in fact they're only...

Things That Sound Dirty at Work But Really Aren't:

10. "I need to whip it out by 5."

9. "Mind if I use your laptop?"

8. "Put it in my box before I leave."

7. "If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!"

6. "I want it on my desk NOW!"

5. "HMMMM... I think it's out of fluid."

4. "My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish."

3. "It's an entry-level position."

2. "When do you think you'll be getting off today?"

1. "It's not fair! I do all the work while he just sits there!"

Really funny jokes-Parking Lot Rules

Parking lots have unsaid rules.

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.

Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.

Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.

Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.

Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

Kids jokes-First hailstorm

A little boy aged 4, who had witnessed a hailstorm for the first time, exclaimed to his father,
"Daddy, it's raining dumplings!"

Die with boots on

Did you hear about Rex, the cowboy who died with his boots on?

He kept them on because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.

Really funny jokes-Mix up

Sam was attending a conference in New York and staying at a very smart hotel. His wife, Sara, traveled down to New York to join Sam for the conference’s closing dinner/dance.

When she arrived, Sam was still in a meeting so she introduced herself to the receptionist and asked for the number of Mr Wilson’s room.

She was duly given the number and the key and she took the lift to the 3rd floor. Sara wanted to freshen up and be ready for Sam when he arrived back. She unpacked, popped her nightie under the bed covers, showered and got ready for the evening.

Time passed and Sara became concerned that he hadn’t arrived back and she was worried as to whether they would make the dinner on time. By 8 pm she rang reception to ask if Sam was in the bar; she was told that he had gone to his room some 2 hours earlier.

“What room?” spluttered Sara to the receptionist.

“Room 205, on the second floor”, answered the girl politely.

“But I’m in room 409,” exploded Sara in consternation.

“Oh dear,” said the receptionist,"That must be another Mr Wilson’s room!”

Sara grabbed her belonging and dashed down to room 205. She forgot, of course, to remove her nightie. What a surprise for Mr Wilson (and Mrs Wilson!) on returning to the room.

Short funny jokes-Punctuation marks

In a Veteran's Day speech, the American President vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.'

Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

Out of town

Two women met for tea at a restaurant. One had a swollen face. Her friend asked: “What happened?”

First one: “My hubby hit me.”

Second one: “But I thought your husband was out of town.”

First one: “Yeah, I thought so too.”

Clean jokes-Get better

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals. He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him. He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, "I hope you get better."

The elderly gentleman quickly replied, "I hope you get better, too."