Die with boots on

Did you hear about Rex, the cowboy who died with his boots on?

He kept them on because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.

Really funny jokes-Mix up

Sam was attending a conference in New York and staying at a very smart hotel. His wife, Sara, traveled down to New York to join Sam for the conference’s closing dinner/dance.

When she arrived, Sam was still in a meeting so she introduced herself to the receptionist and asked for the number of Mr Wilson’s room.

She was duly given the number and the key and she took the lift to the 3rd floor. Sara wanted to freshen up and be ready for Sam when he arrived back. She unpacked, popped her nightie under the bed covers, showered and got ready for the evening.

Time passed and Sara became concerned that he hadn’t arrived back and she was worried as to whether they would make the dinner on time. By 8 pm she rang reception to ask if Sam was in the bar; she was told that he had gone to his room some 2 hours earlier.

“What room?” spluttered Sara to the receptionist.

“Room 205, on the second floor”, answered the girl politely.

“But I’m in room 409,” exploded Sara in consternation.

“Oh dear,” said the receptionist,"That must be another Mr Wilson’s room!”

Sara grabbed her belonging and dashed down to room 205. She forgot, of course, to remove her nightie. What a surprise for Mr Wilson (and Mrs Wilson!) on returning to the room.

Short funny jokes-Punctuation marks

In a Veteran's Day speech, the American President vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.'

Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

Out of town

Two women met for tea at a restaurant. One had a swollen face. Her friend asked: “What happened?”

First one: “My hubby hit me.”

Second one: “But I thought your husband was out of town.”

First one: “Yeah, I thought so too.”

Clean jokes-Get better

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals. He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him. He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, "I hope you get better."

The elderly gentleman quickly replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Really funny stuff-Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you wont cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray

Whats that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;

I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

Funny jokes-Obesity rate

A survey declares that USA's obesity rate is down. 

They did not complete the phrase - it was intended to be read as "down the toilet," -  giving it a whole new meaning.

Short Management jokes

* The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".

* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"

Good jokes-Growing up

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'

'It was at a place called 'home,'' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining table and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it :-

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.

It was, of course, black and white and the station went off the air at 10.00 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am!

And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.

Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home ... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers My brother delivered newspapers, seven days a week. He had to get up at 5 am every morning to do this.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films.

There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or lewd scenes or violence or almost anything offensive.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Really funny jokes-Any fool

Kelly went to see Josie to seek advice in a complicated legal case. Josie listened to her patiently and said, “Look Kelly, you should have gone to an expert in this matter as some legal issues are involved.”

Kelly replied, “That is what I was going to do. But when I talked to my brother about this, he said that any fool can guide you in this. So I came straight to you.”

Really funny jokes-Expensive Greeting cards

Like everything else in life, the rates of various greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds. The store owner of one such shop was often receiving complaints about increasing cost of the cards. But he never took these complaints seriously until one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.

Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is about to turn a hundred?”

Owner: “Sure do.”

The owner led the customer to the related card stand and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”

The customer selected one card, looked at the price printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn’t last for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”

Short funny jokes-Whiskey diet

I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.

Valentine's Day joke-No sound

On their first date on Valentine's Day, Harry and Gina sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. Harry and Gina realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

Valentine's Day joke-Strict attention

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.