Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Really funny jokes-The Genie's condition

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished.

One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating - while the memory of the Genie's warning faded. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Clean jokes-APPLE and BLACKBERRY

Our parents taught us the meaning of APPLE and BLACKBERRY

Now

We are teaching them the features of APPLE and BLACKBERRY . .

Monday, December 17, 2012

One line jokes-Follow your dreams

Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.

Office jokes-Signs your Boss is Stupid

Signs your Boss is Stupid

Schedules emergency visit to urologist after overhearing office gossip regarding "Peter principle" and "downsizing."

Answers every question with "yes," "no," or "reply hazy, try again later."

Finally traded in the company fleet of Ford Pintos -- for Ford Explorers.

You've just received permission to leave for your 4th fact- finding trip to learn about "Tolkien Ring Networks" this week.

Thinks that by monitoring your e-mail he.. is the best loved, nicest and by far the most brilliant boss to work for.

Believes that Britney really "is' a virgin.

You send him a memo saying that for Halloween, you're coming as The Invisible Man -- then you don't come in at all. The next day, he promotes you for your ingenuity.

He's attempting to sleep his way to the top, starting with the CEO's wife.

You receive yet "another" fruit basket after calling in the death of your fifth grandmother this year alone.

Bases the company's budget on the $1,000 each employee was going to receive for forwarding Bill Gates's e-mail.

Despite your constant reminders, the moron can't seem to stop counting at five.

Thinks that "downsizing" means ordering a small drink and fries with his burger.

Had the network customized so that he can print confidential documents directly to the shredder.

Took her a month to figure out that the desk lamp wasn't a "Clapper" like on the night stand at home.

No need to ask for a raise; just approach him repeatedly and ask him if he has two tens for a five.

Ever since he approved your "On-Site Telecommuter" idea, you get to go to the office wearing a robe, Superman underpants and bunny slippers.

During meetings, constantly turns to Jesus Gonzalez from Marketing and asks, "What would YOU do?"

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Reading problem

An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”

Patient: “Where are they?”

Doctor: “On the board.”

Patient: “Where is the board?”

Doctor: “On the wall.”

Patient: “Where is the wall?”

Obama jokes-Same responsibility

Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Really funny jokes-No payment for six months

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

Kids jokes-Save some money

Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Clean jokes-Open the trunk

A Lebanese man was driving when he came to a Syrian Military checkpoint, staffed by a battalion that consisted of young men from Homs. The young soldier pointed his rifle into this man's window and asked to see his papers. Then he asked him to get out of the car and open his trunk.

Realizing that if the soldier saw what was in his trunk he would be arrested, he told the young Homsi soldier that if he took his foot off the break, his car would roll down the hill. He instructed the soldier to get in the car and step on the break while the man opened the trunk.

The man opened the trunk and yelled to the soldier sitting in the car that there was nothing suspicious there. The young Homsi was satisfied and the thanked the Lebanese man and sent him on his way!

Animal jokes-Pampered cow

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Really funny jokes-Small take

A West Virginia man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the cash in the drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for 3 hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Good jokes-Shaking a carpet

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Animal jokes-Three baby unicorns

There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah that's sweet."

She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.

Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"

Funny jokes-Look fat?

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"

The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"