Really funny jokes-Two sisters

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Short funny jokes-New law

A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Hilarious jokes-Broken engagement

Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.”

Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.”

Mike: “I did that. That is when she broke off with me and got engaged to my uncle.

Really funny jokes-Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Thanksgiving humor

How to cook a Turkey

Bring home a turkey
Take a drink of scotch
Put turkey in the oven
Take another 2 drinks of scotch
Set the degree at 375 ovens
Take 3 more scotch of drink
Turk the bastey
Scotch another bottle of get
Ponder the meat thermometer
Glass yourself a pour of scotch
Bake the scotch for 4 hours
Take the oven out of the turkey
Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Turk the carvey
Get yourself another scottle of botch
Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Bless the dinner and pass out!

Office jokes-Trick of the trade

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”

Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”

Bob got his desired raise.

Short funny jokes-Fat and drunk

Apparently, teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. It does make me somewhat proud to be an American, because we finally found a way to get fat and drunk at the same time.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Really funny jokes-It's a Mad world

A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.

The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”

The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.

The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”

Funny jokes-Surprised in Hell

My 10-year old son asked me, "There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven is going to fill up?"

I replied, "No, that's most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they'll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised."

Clean jokes-Identity thief

Identity thief:

"I can't sit around here taking it easy.
I've got places to go and people to be!"

Really funny jokes-illegal to count

A Swedish tourist in New York was standing in front of the Empire State building, and started counting all the floors.

A policeman approached him and thought to himself: "This guy must be Swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it is illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?"

The Swede replied: "No sir, I had no idea."

The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted."

The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors, sir."

After the police officer left, the Swede thought to himself: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had actually counted 51!"

Short funny jokes-Is it yours?

"Dad, I'm pregnant," declared the daughter.

"Hold on a second. Are you certain it's yours?" the Polish father responded.

Knock knock jokes-The interrupting cow

"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting cow wh-"
"MOOOO!"
"Very f-"
"MOOOO!"
"I get i-"
"MOOOO!"
"OK, that's get-"
"MOOOO!"
"Seriously, that's get-"
"MOOOO!"
"SHUT U-"
"MOOOO!"
"Go to-"
"MOOOO!"
"You're being a-"
"MOOOO!"

Really funny jokes-Switching the birthday gift

Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.

"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Why is that?" asked the friend.

Mike answered, "that's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."