Short funny jokes-Half job

A student went to a bookstore to buy a Maths book.

The shopkeeper told him, "This book will do half the job for you,"

The student replied "Great, I will buy two of those"

Really funny jokes-Celebrating in Hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

Hilarious jokes-Support

Having awarded a divorce to Dorothy who had charged non-support, the Judge said to John, "I have decided to give your wife $500 a month for support."

"That's fine", said John, "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Short funny jokes-Lost seat

An Irishman was traveling on the night-train, but was unable to find his seat.

The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was.

"No," the Swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."

Really funny jokes-Out of place

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.

He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

Old Man - That's the name of the owner.

Young Man - Who's the owner?

Old Man - I am.

Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.

Good jokes-Habit

A nun is walking down the street , when a priest stops her to ask, "Can I walk you to the Convent?"
The Nun replies, "Ok, Just this time."

On reaching the Convent, he asks her, "Can I kiss you?"

She says, "Ok, fine with me, but do not get into the habit."

Hilarious jokes-Indecisive

Statement by a candidate in Washington State during the 2000 campaign:

"...and if elected, I will not be, as my opponent has been in office, undecisive, uh, indecisive."h

Really funny jokes-Desperately seeking Roses

I wanted to buy some flowers for my wife, so I went to the florist shop. As the shopkeeper was preparing a bouquet of Red roses for me, a guy barged in and asked for a dozen red roses.

The shopkeeper, pointing at me, replied to him that the last bunch of roses was already sold. Looking at me, this guy pleaded desperately, "Can you PLEASE give me those roses?"

I asked the man, "What's wrong? Did you forget your Wedding Anniversary?"

"Even worse", he admitted", "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Funny jokes-To the extent

She was Blonde to the extent that:

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Obama jokes-Nintendo for the Pope

“So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.”
–Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Things to do when computer crashes

Today, everyone is a victim of what we call the Internet lifestyle. Given below is a list of things for you to do when your computer crashes.

1. You can dial 911 instantly.

2. Pull open the curtains to observe i there have been any changes in the last 2 years.

3. Do you mean there is actually something else to do?

4. You can threaten your server with an impeachment vote.

5. You can Work for a change.

6. Introduce yourself again to your immediate family.

7. Consider that kidney transplant you've been putting off for so long.

8. Check out if yuor eyes can focus on objects further than 4 feet.

9. Get your chair fixed at a store near you for butt groove.

10. Look for Tylenol!

11. You can do some shopping with your clothes on.

12. You can check your snail mail box every 10 minutes.

Good jokes-Jury and justice

How do you define Jury?
It is a team of twelve individuals trying to figure out which party has the best lawyer.

How do you define Justice?
It can be defined as a decision which favors you.

One line jokes-Going to Court

Going to Court means that your fate is in the hands of twelve people who were not good enough to get out of jury duty!

Really funny jokes-Apples on trees

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.