Good jokes-The borrowing neighbour

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.

"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.

"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?

Short funny jokes-Hurricanes and tornadoes

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the twist !

Really funny jokes-Welcoming the neighbour

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

Obama jokes-Smart daughters

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

One line jokes-Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

Really funny jokes-Ski Season Training

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

9. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

12. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Hilarious jokes-Raising rabbits

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

Short funny jokes-I'm beside myself

People who say, "I'm beside myself," are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

Really funny jokes-The ticket inspector

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

"No," I admitted.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

One line jokes-Roll on Deodorant

You are so bald that when you wear a turtleneck you look like a Roll on Deodorant.

Good jokes-Peg Leg Baldy

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems.

So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again."

So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head."

Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this."

Confused, the man says, "What am I supposed to do with a bag of caramels?"

Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your arse and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

Really funny jokes-No horse riding experience

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!

Hilarious jokes-Gas

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Funny jokes-Yoga treatment

A boy had a bad habit of smoking.

His parents sent him to yoga classes for treatment

Now...

He can smoke with his feet too!