Funny jokes-My bed

Lucy was sitting on a park bench, when a beggar appeared out of nowhere and said to her, "Sweetheart, let's have some fun!"

Lucy was furious and shouted, "How dare you say such a thing?"

The beggar commented, "Then what are you doing on my bed?"

Kids jokes-Soldiers in your cup

Mary was surprised by her 8 year old grandson one morning when he got coffee for her while she was still in bed.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Sweetheart, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

(It's a play in an old coffee commercial where the slogan was, "The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup.") 

Really funny jokes-Waiting in line

Waiting in Line

I am listing below a host of reasons to thank to all the hyper-markets like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, for having 20 to 25 checkout lanes and only four open at any given point of time.

- Waiting in long queues keeps my domestic brain from going completely redundant - there's so much to discover!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 16 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those irritating cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Daisy.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

Short funny jokes-Handsome face

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man, Kate, 25 years of age, wanted to lighten the mood and said, "Well, God was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

Clean jokes-Spelling problem

A young boy went to an office to be interviewed for a job, and was asked his full name.

"Karthik Ganesan Muthuswamy," he replied.

"How do you spell that?" asked the rattled manager.

"Well...sir........can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

Really funny jokes-Final list of things to do in the Library

A final list of things you can do in the LIBRARY..

1. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.

2. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .

3. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?

4. Say, “Who’s Freddie??Then act like you didn’t say anything.

5. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!

6. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I’d like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I’m sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.

7. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!?When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m calling the book genie out!?/font>

8. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.

9. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you’re doing, say happily, “I’m roosting!?

10. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!?

11. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.

12. Repeat every thing they say to you.

13. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??

14. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.

15. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?

16. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!

17. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.

18. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.

19. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?

20. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?

21. Get a child’s book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.

22. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??

23. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How’d this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.

Animal jokes-Drink in cafe

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

Short funny jokes-Bald teacher

What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?

Sir!

Really funny jokes-True Believers

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.


One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

One line jokes-Going insane

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.

Really funny jokes-Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.

The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”*

Funny jokes-You might be a Lawyer if

You Might Be a Lawyer if...

you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
your other car is a BMW.
when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Doctor jokes-Frustrating

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Really funny jokes-Timbuktu

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.'

Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited
'Through the desert all night
we ride on camels
walking two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.'

Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldn't beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said,
'Tim and I,
a hunting went,
we came upon three women in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two,
I buk one and Timbuktu!'