Short jokes-Gas

Tom : I bet you can't name a word of 10 letters that starts with g-a-s?

Jerry: That's easy - it's an Automobile.

Really funny jokes-Melrose Place TV series Rules

Melrose Place TV series Rules

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

Funny jokes-Charity

Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating, so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.

"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

One line jokes-Follow your dreams

Follow your dreams, but not the one in which you’re in kindergarten in your underwear.

Really funny jokes-Witches

13 Witch Jokes (One for each member of the coven)

1) One of the witch's coven gave birth to twins. The problem arose when the other witches could not tell which witch was witch.

2) Member Edna was a dog trainer by day, then by night she went from wags to witches.

3) When the coven travelled to an out-of-town gathering, Martha could not make it, she was a poor traveller and phoned in broom sick.

4) Celia tried to fly to the coven meeting, but her broomstick broke, no worries, she witch-hiked with Sheila.

5) The other 12 witches asked Gladys why she put her broomstick in the washing machine. Gladys replied that she wanted a clean sweep.

6) Ivana kept on climbing up walls so now the other members of the coven call her 'Ivy'.

7) One day Astrid dropped off at the astrologer's, she wanted to know her horror-scope.

8) Leslie could not distinguish between Tiny Tina and a stag the coven were chasing. Betty said, 'It's easy, one is a haunted stag, the other is a stunted hag'.

9) Celia asked Edna why she carried a pencil sharpener. 'It's to keep my hat pointed', came the reply.

10) When Gladys went to the zoo she bought two tickets. Leslie asked 'Why?'. 'One to get, and one to get out replied Gladys'.

11) Astrid asked Ivy where she bought her garden furniture. 'At the Ideal Gnome' exhibition', came the reply.

12) When ever the coven have a brew up, they always drink their tea from a flying saucer.

13) What happened when the coven's darts team lost all their matches? They had a spell in the second division.

Good jokes-Painless

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

'He's a fake!' Gemima told her friends. 'He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he screamed like anyone else.'

Short funny jokes-Tire

I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.

Really funny jokes-More things to do in a library

Things to do in a library

1. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.

2. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

3. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."

4. Spell every single word as you read it.

5. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.

6. Act like you’re picking your nose. And eating it.

7. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.

8. Sneeze a lot.

9. Hold your book right next to your eyes.

10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.

11. Stand up, and continue reading.

12. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.

13. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.

14. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.

15. Ask them, got milk??

16. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

17. Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that.?Then do it again. And again.

18. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.

19. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.

20. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you’re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.

Lawyer jokes-Funny exchanges in Court

Hilariously crazy exchanges in the court of Law:

Lawyer: Are you Donald Asher's mother?
Witness: Yes, I am.
Lawyer: How long have you known him?

----

Lawyer: What happened after that?
Witness: He said to me,"I have no choice but to kill you as you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Short funny jokes-Aftershave

Roy: "Hey, heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?"

Tom: "You mean the Axe effect, don't you?"

Roy: "No, it's a new one. It smells of $100 dollar bills."

Clean jokes-Better job

Alice, a little girl of 5, was observing her grandpa very intently. Her grandpa asked her, "what are you looking at, my child?"

Running her fingers over his bald head, and his wrinkled face, Alice asked, "Were you created by God?"

"Yes" he answered.

"Did god create me, too?" she asked.

"Yes", he replied.

"Well", she shrugged, "Do you agree he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

Really funny jokes-Sound of wasps

The man who is the world's leading expert on wasps is walking through Droitwich one day when he passes an old vinyl record shop.

Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: "The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World". He enters the store and asks the salesgirl if he can listen to the album.

"Sure...just go into the booth and put on the headphones," replies the shop assistant.

He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more.....he leaves the booth and says to the salesgirl, "I'm an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn't recognize any of those noises".

"Oh, I'm so sorry," answers the assistant, "I was playing you the B side."

[ BEE.....]

Animal jokes-Italian dinosaur family

Q: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?

A: Ptera Don

Clean jokes-Bald head

Luke, who lived in a small town, was teased everywhere he went as he had a completely bald head! Having put up with it for years, he decided to would not take it any more. So he climbed a tall tower and shouted for everyone to hear: "I am not bald, it just so happens that I'm taller than my hair!"