Funny jokes-Cruise control

My brother and I own a car dealership in the north end of town. It was a busy Tuesday morning, when a large motor coach was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle badly needed repair and the whole thing looked like it was caught up in a hurricane. My brother asked the driver what had happened. The driver replied that he had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a cup of coffee!

We had to educate him about the difference between cruise control and auto-pilot!

Good jokes-Aftershave

Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?

No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Really funny jokes-Stuck under the bridge

Brian Moore was driving his truck when he approached a bridge with a sign saying 12 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.

"I'll sure give it a try," he thought only to discover that his truck got stuck underneath it.

Brian got back in his seat, poured out a cup of coffee and lit a cigarette. A cop arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Brian immediately opened.

"What do you think you are doing?" demanded the cop in a sharp tone.

"Sure I'm having a tea break," replied Brian

"And what work do you do?" inquired the cop.

"I deliver bridges," replied Brian.

Short funny jokes-Dough

Laurel : Why are dollars called dough?

Hardy : Because we all knead it.

Hilarious jokes-Things to do in the toilet stall

There are quite a few pranks that my friends at the gym would play while sitting in a toilet stall.

1. Gina once stuck her palm open under the stall wall and asked her neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Jack said to nobody in particular "OMG, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Bobby would cheer and clap loudly every time somebody broke the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Patrick once said, "Well, I've never seen that color before."

5. Pablo, the practical joker, once dropped a marble and said, "Heavens!! My glass eye!!"

6. Tom said, "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Ryder grunted and strained real loud for 30 seconds and then dropped something into the toilet bowl from eight feet high..then sighed relaxingly.

8. Ryan said, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Bobby said, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Pablo once filled up a container with Mountain Dew, squirted it erratically under the stall walls of his neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Tom said, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."

12. Jack, using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and dropped it under the stall wall of his neighbor. Then said, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Bobby said "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Patrick said, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"

15. Ryan said, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Ryder played a well known drum cadence over and over again on his butt cheeks.

17. Before he unrolled toilet paper, Pablo conspicuously laid down his "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Patrick once lowered a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so he could see his neighbor and said, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Gina once dropped a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sang "Born Free"

20. Jack took a Snickers candy bar with him, squished it in his hand, reached under the stall wall and said "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Really funny jokes-Debbie had a gun

Debbie was cleaning her attic one day, when she discovered an old shotgun lying in a corner. Not sure what to do with it or how to get rid of it, she called her mother in Michigan to ask what to do.

Her mother had a suggestion. "Take it to the police station," she said and put the phone down.

Within seconds, her mother called back and said to Debbie, "Don't forget to call them first and inform them you're coming."

Good jokes-Borrow the book

Bennett asks his friend Ernest, "Hey, can you lend me your book titled 'How To Become A Billionaire'?"

Ernest says, "Wait a minute, I'll get it for you".

When Ernest gives him the book, Bennett comments, "Thank you, buddy, but half the pages are missing!!"

Ernest replies, "So what? Isn't half a billion enough for you?"

Short funny jokes-Cross stream and brook

Tom: What do you get if you decide to cross a stream and a brook?

Jerry: Wet feet.

Really funny jokes-My money

Bob and Betty are just married and choose Hawaii for their honeymoon. They were in their hotel room discussing which tourist spots to visit, when Bob tried to assert himself by commenting, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

Betty replied, "Darling, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Hawaii, we wouldn't be on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

One line jokes-Lost voice

The below questions has always haunted me.....

If a swine loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Really funny jokes-Jordan Hale's Used Cars

Stella, an elderly lady, had finished shopping at Kmart and was walking back home when she passed the shop of a used car dealer with the sign "Jordan Hale's Used cars".

Stella's bag of groceries was particularly heavy that day and she felt she could do with a used car when she went shopping and save herself a lot time and body pain. So she walked into the office of the owner and told him she needed a car. Jordan, the owner asked her what kind of car she wanted and she replied, "Well, son, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hatred or rage."

Jordan replied, "Hmmm.....I guess you are talking about a Plymouth Fury! We have a few in our collection. What color would you like?"

Stella had some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reached into her shopping bag, took out an ear of corn, stripped down the shucks and said, "I want this color."

Jordan replied, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice green one?"

Stella, a little irritated, insisted "No, I want this color."

Jordan tried to reason, "But ma'am, the company didn't make that color! Maybe a violet one would suit you?" said Jordan, obviously worried about losing a prospective customer. By this time, Stella was really mad and started throwing things at Jordan, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the parking lot. One of the salesmen, who came into the office from the back door, noticed the commotion and asked the receptionist what the old woman was so upset about.

The receptionist replied, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

Good jokes-Keep on fighting!

The following conversation took place in the morning drill of the US Army:

Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?

Private Joe: Then I can't see.

Sergeant Thomas: Can't see? Where did you get your education, private?

Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

Really funny jokes-Loan to hog

An ambitious hog goes to a bank to ask for a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patrice Vack.

"Hi, I would like to apply for a loan", said the hog.

Patrice Vack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something that can stand against your loan?"

The hog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"I am not sure," said Patrice Vack, "I'll need to check with the manager about this."

Patrice Vack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager, who addresses Patrice by her nickname Patty, says: "Knick Knack, Patty Vack. Give the hog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" (Pun from the lyrics of THE OLD MAN song)

Lawyer jokes-Money minded

Lance was talking to his friend Sheldon about his legal problems. Lance says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."

Sheldon asks, "What makes you say that?"

Lance replies, "One of the items in his bill says: 'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about your case: $50'."